This past Saturday I had the privilege of participating in a really fun event in Seattle. There is a community in which I am fairly well known and I go to these events often. Often these events are really fun and they bring me out of my funk and I feel liberated and I have fun. That happened to some extent this weekend but I still felt like I was experiencing the event through the veil of depression and I couldn't truly be me. A big part of the day I was just faking it and putting on a brave face while inside I was wanting to be at home in bed. I really did have fun but it still felt like so much work and at times I just wanted to lay down.
I hate faking anything because when I fake things then I have to remember to keep up a charade and most of the time it's just easier to be open and honest and be myself. But sometimes you have to try and fake it until you make it or at least until you can go back to being the depressed person that you are.
At least I got to talk to some people I consider my heros and they seemed to be engaged in the conversations that we were having. That was a really big win.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
What's accomplishments are Real?
One of the things that depression does especially for a self critical person like me is make it difficult to distinguish between the depression and character flaws that should be worked on. My inner monologue often includes things like lazy, selfish and stupid. The problem is that often these things that I get down on myself for are things that I really have no control over because the depression makes everything so difficult.
Tonight I've been very aware of my negative inner monologue and I've been trying to think of positive or at the very least neutral things to keep my mind from going negative and it's been very difficult. I had all these ambitious plans of what I wanted to accomplish today and I got almost none of it done and so I've been beating myself up. But actually I did get stuff done today. I went to the gym, I got several loads of laundry done, I wrote a couple of different blog posts and I worked on a project that involves people. I did accomplish things today and I have to give myself credit for what I do accomplish and stop beating myself up for what I don't.
Tonight I've been very aware of my negative inner monologue and I've been trying to think of positive or at the very least neutral things to keep my mind from going negative and it's been very difficult. I had all these ambitious plans of what I wanted to accomplish today and I got almost none of it done and so I've been beating myself up. But actually I did get stuff done today. I went to the gym, I got several loads of laundry done, I wrote a couple of different blog posts and I worked on a project that involves people. I did accomplish things today and I have to give myself credit for what I do accomplish and stop beating myself up for what I don't.
Forgiving Myself
I think one of the biggest contributing factors to my depression (besides biology) is my inability to forgive myself for things I think I've done wrong. I still feel guilt over things that happened years ago, like somehow by punishing myself for things that happened when I was 25 or 18 will somehow make me a better person. But the reality is it will just continue to add to my negative feelings about myself.
I'm not entirely sure how to forgive myself but I'm reading up on it. I guess the first step is realizing that forgiveness is not the same as forgetting and forgiving myself for the things I think I've done wrong does not mean I won't grow and improve as a person. It just means I'll stop torturing myself over things that I've done wrong.
I'm not entirely sure how to forgive myself but I'm reading up on it. I guess the first step is realizing that forgiveness is not the same as forgetting and forgiving myself for the things I think I've done wrong does not mean I won't grow and improve as a person. It just means I'll stop torturing myself over things that I've done wrong.
It's okay to be Bipolar
I am bipolar and that means that I have severe mood swings, trouble controlling my emotions and suicidal thoughts. Sometimes the depression gets so bad I will subconsciously pick fights with my husband in order to feel anger because it's better then the severe emotional pain I'm feeling. I am feel anxious all the time and I am constantly analyzing how I feel and what I can do to fix it.
The reality is I can't "fix it" all I can do is learn to live with it and minimize the impact it has on my life. No pill is going to suddenly make the negative thoughts about myself go away, it's something that I will struggle with and it's probably going to be hard work. Sure I can be jealous of the people who can easily feel content in their own skin but I'm guessing there aren't nearly as many of them as I think and the ones that do exist are probably not going to make much of an impact on the world.
It's okay that I'm bipolar there isn't anything I did to cause it. Given my family history I had a 70% chance of developing the disorder. I have to forgive myself when the emotions get to be too much and I can't control them because from what I understand they are so much more powerful than most people would ever experience in their lifetime.
I'm not defective. I am challenged, but never defective. I have to learn to live with the challenges and figure out how to structure my life so the challenges don't derail my life. I will learn to live with these complications and I will not let it run my life.
For now the mood swings are really bad and I don't know from one minute to the next how I'm going to feel and so that makes planning anything very difficult. So for now I need to give myself permission to not have a plan and my goal is to focus on keeping my thoughts neutral or positive even when my mood is at it's worst.
The reality is I can't "fix it" all I can do is learn to live with it and minimize the impact it has on my life. No pill is going to suddenly make the negative thoughts about myself go away, it's something that I will struggle with and it's probably going to be hard work. Sure I can be jealous of the people who can easily feel content in their own skin but I'm guessing there aren't nearly as many of them as I think and the ones that do exist are probably not going to make much of an impact on the world.
It's okay that I'm bipolar there isn't anything I did to cause it. Given my family history I had a 70% chance of developing the disorder. I have to forgive myself when the emotions get to be too much and I can't control them because from what I understand they are so much more powerful than most people would ever experience in their lifetime.
I'm not defective. I am challenged, but never defective. I have to learn to live with the challenges and figure out how to structure my life so the challenges don't derail my life. I will learn to live with these complications and I will not let it run my life.
For now the mood swings are really bad and I don't know from one minute to the next how I'm going to feel and so that makes planning anything very difficult. So for now I need to give myself permission to not have a plan and my goal is to focus on keeping my thoughts neutral or positive even when my mood is at it's worst.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
I love my nose
A couple of days ago I came across a Tiny Buddah post that lead me to the article Silencing Your Inner Critic: You Don’t Need to Torture Yourself to Grow. I realize that yet again I have allowed my inner critic to rear her nasty head and take control of my life. She is a relentless bitch who at times will not let up on the negative thoughts about myself and what I have done wrong.
In the few days since I found the article I've been trying to think of things that I think are positive about myself and I've been drawing a blank. So tonight when my brain was full of horrible thoughts about how I can't work and I'm horribly lazy (because depression makes everything so hard) and I'm a terrible person because I spend money I remembered one thing that I've always liked about myself. I've always loved my nose, it's small and symmetrical and I've always liked it. So tonight my mantra became "I love my nose" and I will continue to repeat that to myself when my thoughts go negative until I can come up with other things about myself that I like.
I'm going to have to rebuild my positive thoughts yet again. How come I keep forgetting these when my mood gets so bad? I guess I can't worry about that I just need to do it.
In the few days since I found the article I've been trying to think of things that I think are positive about myself and I've been drawing a blank. So tonight when my brain was full of horrible thoughts about how I can't work and I'm horribly lazy (because depression makes everything so hard) and I'm a terrible person because I spend money I remembered one thing that I've always liked about myself. I've always loved my nose, it's small and symmetrical and I've always liked it. So tonight my mantra became "I love my nose" and I will continue to repeat that to myself when my thoughts go negative until I can come up with other things about myself that I like.
I'm going to have to rebuild my positive thoughts yet again. How come I keep forgetting these when my mood gets so bad? I guess I can't worry about that I just need to do it.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Caregivers
Like any long term illness there are the caregivers around a bi-polar patient who put up with a whole lot of shit in order to care for someone who is sick. The difference for caregivers of those with bipolar is that there is nothing visible, no reminders that the person in front of you is sick. So when the person who is sick goes "off the rails" and isn't seeing the world as it truly is the caregivers can be treated with horrible disrespect.
I can't write any more on this topic without crying but there is a caregiver in my life who has taken care of me who has been through so much shit I can't even imagine and I will forever be grateful for everything he does. He's still here no matter how hard I try and push him away because my brain tells me it would be easier if he just walked away.
I love you honey and I'm sorry that we have to deal with this as often as we do.
I can't write any more on this topic without crying but there is a caregiver in my life who has taken care of me who has been through so much shit I can't even imagine and I will forever be grateful for everything he does. He's still here no matter how hard I try and push him away because my brain tells me it would be easier if he just walked away.
I love you honey and I'm sorry that we have to deal with this as often as we do.
Suicidal Ideation
According to wikipedia one out of three people with bipolar disorder report past attempts of suicide or complete it, and the annual average suicide rate is 0.4%, which is 10 to 20 times that of the general population. Why is that? That's because bipolar disorder causes suicidal ideation which is just a medical term for suicidal thoughts.
As someone who tries to be very logical you would think that it wouldn't be too hard to just consider the facts and know that the thoughts and feelings I experience are caused by a chemical imbalance and they are not real. But the reality of that situation is very different. While I may know that the thoughts are caused by an incorrect balance of chemicals in my brain it still does not change how incredibly painful and powerful the thoughts and feelings can be. On several occasions I've told Doctors and friends that there are times when it feels as though my soul hurts, it's a soul crushing pain that feels as though I can't breath. And it doesn't matter how often I tell myself that the pain isn't real that it can't actually hurt me that all I have to do is breath and it will eventually go away. No matter how many times I tell myself and try and believe it I still feel the immense pain.
I have dealt with suicidal thoughts for a very long time and I have never made any attempts. I have no control over the plans forming and I have no way of stopping them I can't will them to go away. What I can do is take care to ensure that someone else knows what I'm having "bad thoughts" and if it goes so far as to make a plan then I make sure that I take the appropriate measures to make sure that someone is aware of it. Bipolar is not something that can be cured, all you can do is take steps to minimize the impact it has on your life and those around you. Sure when these things happen you can go to the hospital which I've done, but it happens so often that it isn't realistic to go to the doctor every time so I have to take measures to make sure that I am safe and that I'm not dealing with the thoughts completely alone.
Sometimes getting help from loved ones is easier said then done. Bipolar is a very persistent illness, it won't let you put things aside until a better time. It often feels like you're going to die if you don't deal with the situation right that very second so sometimes you have to ask for help from those that are close by even if they aren't necessarily the ones who are best equipped to help. As much as people love you everyone has their own preconceived notions about how you should handle your illness or whether there is in fact anything wrong and you're just not trying hard enough. All you can do at that point is just try and focus on the fact that people love you and even if the things they say accidentally make you feel worse, most of the time they are doing their best to help and try and have patience with them and just remind yourself over and over again that they are trying to help even when your brain is trying to tell you otherwise.
As someone who tries to be very logical you would think that it wouldn't be too hard to just consider the facts and know that the thoughts and feelings I experience are caused by a chemical imbalance and they are not real. But the reality of that situation is very different. While I may know that the thoughts are caused by an incorrect balance of chemicals in my brain it still does not change how incredibly painful and powerful the thoughts and feelings can be. On several occasions I've told Doctors and friends that there are times when it feels as though my soul hurts, it's a soul crushing pain that feels as though I can't breath. And it doesn't matter how often I tell myself that the pain isn't real that it can't actually hurt me that all I have to do is breath and it will eventually go away. No matter how many times I tell myself and try and believe it I still feel the immense pain.
I have dealt with suicidal thoughts for a very long time and I have never made any attempts. I have no control over the plans forming and I have no way of stopping them I can't will them to go away. What I can do is take care to ensure that someone else knows what I'm having "bad thoughts" and if it goes so far as to make a plan then I make sure that I take the appropriate measures to make sure that someone is aware of it. Bipolar is not something that can be cured, all you can do is take steps to minimize the impact it has on your life and those around you. Sure when these things happen you can go to the hospital which I've done, but it happens so often that it isn't realistic to go to the doctor every time so I have to take measures to make sure that I am safe and that I'm not dealing with the thoughts completely alone.
Sometimes getting help from loved ones is easier said then done. Bipolar is a very persistent illness, it won't let you put things aside until a better time. It often feels like you're going to die if you don't deal with the situation right that very second so sometimes you have to ask for help from those that are close by even if they aren't necessarily the ones who are best equipped to help. As much as people love you everyone has their own preconceived notions about how you should handle your illness or whether there is in fact anything wrong and you're just not trying hard enough. All you can do at that point is just try and focus on the fact that people love you and even if the things they say accidentally make you feel worse, most of the time they are doing their best to help and try and have patience with them and just remind yourself over and over again that they are trying to help even when your brain is trying to tell you otherwise.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Some Days
There are some days when the depression is so bad all I can do is give in to the tears that just need to be let out. My thoughts can be so chaotic and the only thoughts I seem to hold on to are the ones that are so negative about myself that I wonder how could anyone ever care about me because I'm just so worthless and I don't deserve to live.
I've cried silently in so many places I could totally cry in a library and no one would know. The biggest problem I have with crying silently is the sniffles that come from the tears.
Luckily I have the support of amazing people especially my wonderful loving husband who works really hard to make me laugh, when it feels like I could never laugh again. And every day I'm getting better at not chasing the rabbit and letting the thoughts float over me and not hold on to any of them. Letting things go means that some days I have the attention span of a 5 year old but I know that with time and energy I'll get better at not allowing the thoughts to control me. Ultimately the only thing I have any control over is how I react to these crazy off the wall emotions and thoughts, every day I practice and every day I hope I get better.
I've cried silently in so many places I could totally cry in a library and no one would know. The biggest problem I have with crying silently is the sniffles that come from the tears.
Luckily I have the support of amazing people especially my wonderful loving husband who works really hard to make me laugh, when it feels like I could never laugh again. And every day I'm getting better at not chasing the rabbit and letting the thoughts float over me and not hold on to any of them. Letting things go means that some days I have the attention span of a 5 year old but I know that with time and energy I'll get better at not allowing the thoughts to control me. Ultimately the only thing I have any control over is how I react to these crazy off the wall emotions and thoughts, every day I practice and every day I hope I get better.
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