In ACA there is a concept of an inner loving parent. The idea of allowing that inner loving parent to have a say was scary. Actually that wasn't so scary but was scary was not listening to the inner critical parent. The critical parent is the one that drove me to do all the things that helped me survive. Of course the "survival" also meant pushing myself to extremes in work, studies, exercise and many other areas of life.
When I finally stopped listening to the critical parent and started listening to the inner children and loving parent there was part of of me that was terrified. I was terrified that I was going to turn into a lazy slob that I would never have any ambition and I would end up living in my car.
So far none of that has happened. What does happen is that I feel a lot more internal peace and I get to be gentle with myself. I'm no longer driven to be the high powered person I thought I was supposed to be. I am no longer driven to push myself to run 5 miles a day. I don't actually work very hard at things right now. I know that this is a phase and that nothing is permanent and I'm starting to see a little bit more pushing. But it's still gentle and it's with internal trust.
One thing that helped me to trust and let go was remembering that sometimes there are extreme swings in order to find equilibrium. Sometimes it takes going from one extreme to the other to figure out where the middle is and to find balance.
Writing this blog is a balance. My inner child really wants to finish watching the Matrix. But I've learned that when I put off until tomorrow an idea that I want to write about then the idea doesn't go anywhere. So, I'm writing this post quickly because I made a deal with my inner child that we would watch the rest of the movie tonight. It's not perfect it's actually written quite quickly and probably has a lot of mistakes but I know that I'm at least getting something across and that's what I want to do.
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Friday, May 6, 2016
Releasing emotional pain from the physical body
If someone had told me 3 years ago that I would be dealing with physical pain through meditation I probably would have thought that they were crazy. Today I know without a doubt that a lot of the emotional pain I've experience in my life is stored in my body and through meditation and conscious awareness I am able to release that pain.
This is an ongoing process I have pain in my lower back that seems like a never ending fountain of pain that get's released.
Last night I listened to a 10 minute mindfulness of change meditation which got me focused on my breath and noticing the changes in the sensation of breathing. Earlier in the evening I had been reading Burning Desire a 12 step and Buddhism book. The section of the book I was reading talked about observing pain instead of trying to push it away.
So with my mindfulness of change and aware of pushing away my pain I looked to my lower back. After first I could feel my instinctual feeling to pull away or push away the pain and run away from it. After noticing the habitual pattern of recoiling from the pain I breathed into it and the pain no longer felt painful and so for a few moments I just observed the sensation.
As is normally the case when I am able to observe pain without resistance it started to move. The pain moved it's way up my back at times it would pause and the strong instinct to push it away would kick in and then it would get painful again. After relaxing into the pain again it would move.
When the sensation reached my shoulders it started to feel extremely uncomfortable. It wasn't painful but it was the sensation that I needed to move. The agitated feeling in body almost felt overwhelming and I really wanted to move. But with patience and gentleness I reminded myself of impermanence and this too shall pass and I attempted to relax into the sensation.
Eventually the agitation passed and the feeling moved into my face. When the sensation moves into my face I've noticed that part of me has a tendency to get impatient and want to rush the process because it knows what's coming. But when I rush the feeling dissipates and the opportunity to release is let go.
When the release finally came it was tears and silence screams. This might sound awful but the reality is that it is very cathartic. Only one word came into my head as I cried and silently screamed and let my feelings be that word was 'Mommy'. I don't know what that means but I know now that I get to be mommy to the various little scared parts of me.
Getting to the point of being able to process emotional pain in my physical body did not happen overnight. This is a process that has taken time and it takes a lot of patience and self-love. I wish anyone who finds this blessings on their journey and feel free to contact me if you have questions. I may or may not be able to answer them but I will try.
This is an ongoing process I have pain in my lower back that seems like a never ending fountain of pain that get's released.
Last night I listened to a 10 minute mindfulness of change meditation which got me focused on my breath and noticing the changes in the sensation of breathing. Earlier in the evening I had been reading Burning Desire a 12 step and Buddhism book. The section of the book I was reading talked about observing pain instead of trying to push it away.
So with my mindfulness of change and aware of pushing away my pain I looked to my lower back. After first I could feel my instinctual feeling to pull away or push away the pain and run away from it. After noticing the habitual pattern of recoiling from the pain I breathed into it and the pain no longer felt painful and so for a few moments I just observed the sensation.
As is normally the case when I am able to observe pain without resistance it started to move. The pain moved it's way up my back at times it would pause and the strong instinct to push it away would kick in and then it would get painful again. After relaxing into the pain again it would move.
When the sensation reached my shoulders it started to feel extremely uncomfortable. It wasn't painful but it was the sensation that I needed to move. The agitated feeling in body almost felt overwhelming and I really wanted to move. But with patience and gentleness I reminded myself of impermanence and this too shall pass and I attempted to relax into the sensation.
Eventually the agitation passed and the feeling moved into my face. When the sensation moves into my face I've noticed that part of me has a tendency to get impatient and want to rush the process because it knows what's coming. But when I rush the feeling dissipates and the opportunity to release is let go.
When the release finally came it was tears and silence screams. This might sound awful but the reality is that it is very cathartic. Only one word came into my head as I cried and silently screamed and let my feelings be that word was 'Mommy'. I don't know what that means but I know now that I get to be mommy to the various little scared parts of me.
Getting to the point of being able to process emotional pain in my physical body did not happen overnight. This is a process that has taken time and it takes a lot of patience and self-love. I wish anyone who finds this blessings on their journey and feel free to contact me if you have questions. I may or may not be able to answer them but I will try.
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
IFS
IFS stands for Internal Family Systems. IFS is a type of therapy based on the premise that everyone has different parts inside them that exist like a family. In people who have dealt with trauma or PTSD may be dealing with a dysfunctional family.
I have been working with an IFS therapist for about 9 months now and it has made a big difference in my healing.
Today was a break through day as I was able to connect with a part of me that has been "frozen" for almost 30 years. On the surface it seems like a small memory, but of course I have a tendency to minimize most of my experiences. When I was 8 my older brother was in a play at school. After the show the family wanted me to go down to give him flowers. It's possible I wanted to do it. But I remember being really afraid and so I didn't make it all the way down to give him the flowers. When I got back to my family I remember my big sister being angry at me and I felt ashamed for being scared. That little girl version of me has been stuck in that place of wanting to make people happy and being so scared for most of my life.
Today with the help of my therapist I was able to help that little girl present her brother with flowers and conquer her fear. I cried a lot during the therapy session, it was as though this little girl had been frozen in time for so long. To "rescue" her I imagined sitting in the seats a few rows ahead of her and as she moved down the risers so did I giving her an encouraging smile until her big brother saw and gave her an encouraging smile.
It seems like there is a lot more to say and yet that's all I have for now and I'm going to be ok with that. It was beautiful to be able to help that little girl and I can feel a little more space has opened up inside.
I am grateful to be on this healing journey and have a lot of wonderful people around me to help me move through this. Even though my mind tries to convince me that I am all alone the reality is that I have an amazing group of people helping me on this journey and my Higher Power has always given me exactly the help I needed to accomplish the next step on my journey.
I have been working with an IFS therapist for about 9 months now and it has made a big difference in my healing.
Today was a break through day as I was able to connect with a part of me that has been "frozen" for almost 30 years. On the surface it seems like a small memory, but of course I have a tendency to minimize most of my experiences. When I was 8 my older brother was in a play at school. After the show the family wanted me to go down to give him flowers. It's possible I wanted to do it. But I remember being really afraid and so I didn't make it all the way down to give him the flowers. When I got back to my family I remember my big sister being angry at me and I felt ashamed for being scared. That little girl version of me has been stuck in that place of wanting to make people happy and being so scared for most of my life.
Today with the help of my therapist I was able to help that little girl present her brother with flowers and conquer her fear. I cried a lot during the therapy session, it was as though this little girl had been frozen in time for so long. To "rescue" her I imagined sitting in the seats a few rows ahead of her and as she moved down the risers so did I giving her an encouraging smile until her big brother saw and gave her an encouraging smile.
It seems like there is a lot more to say and yet that's all I have for now and I'm going to be ok with that. It was beautiful to be able to help that little girl and I can feel a little more space has opened up inside.
I am grateful to be on this healing journey and have a lot of wonderful people around me to help me move through this. Even though my mind tries to convince me that I am all alone the reality is that I have an amazing group of people helping me on this journey and my Higher Power has always given me exactly the help I needed to accomplish the next step on my journey.
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