The curse of an analytical mind

As an engineer I can be very analytical, this can be a really good thing when it comes to work, but it can be a real liability when it comes to my emotional and mental health.  Because I have a tendency to thnk I can solve anything, including me and this thing called life.

Right now my job is to learn to live with discomfort and quiet my mind when there is nothing to solve.  That's a tall order for someone who thought that she could cure depression at one point, I never said I was modest or thought to little of myself.  

The last few days have been hard.  Yesterday I opened one of my daily reading books and a notecard fell out on which I wrote "only God can heal you" which is true when it comes to obsessions of the mind. I can't think my way out of an obsession of the mind.  All I can do is practice at calming my mind.  I have brief moments of living on the mone and I'm sure as I practice more it will get easier, for now it's just a matter of practice, practice, practice.  Sometimes that involves keeping my mind completely quiet and sometimes that involves remind myself of my assets and reminding myself that God is always with me.  Either way it's about not letting the thoughts that I have allowed run my life for far too long continue doing that.

Right now this very moment it feels like I'm succeeding.  But I know that surrender is in there somewhere and I'm not completely surrendering, but I will and for now I am willing to surrender and that's all I can ask of my simple human existence.

God,

Thank you for today.  The day was very tiring but I got the opportunity to be of service at work and I got to be of service to my friend by going to watch her presentation on acupuncture.  I think you're talking to me through my friend and I think I'm going to try acupuncture.  The things she was saying about balance are very much in line with my thoughts and my way of life recently so it seems like a next indicated action.  Tonight I got the opportunity to talk another new potential friend from one of my weekly meetings that I attend.  I enjoyed talking to her and the class she talked about on mindfulness also sounded like it was right up my alley.

I have fears that I will procrastinate on these things that I want to do because I am so focused on areas of my life that are not really important.  Money isn't important in the grand scheme of things and yet I'm afraid of it, afraid that I never have enough, afraid that I won't be able to pay off the debt I've incurred and afraid that I am going to take a job simply for the money it will give me.  

Just for today I am going to trust that you are watching out for me and that you will be there for me and you will make sure that I have what I need.  Just for today I am going to trust that your will for me is what is best for me.  Your will, will ensure that I can be of maximum service to my fellow man.  Just for today I am going to trust that I am on the right path and that the next indicated action on my life is what I am doing.   Right now I am second guessing every decision I make and that isn't a very fun place to be so just for today I am going to trust that you are looking out for me.

God, please look out for the people in Ingress, my heart is with them every day, I wish them all the very best even though it's not something I can do right now.  Please look out for Bryan on his journey, he's a wonderful man who deserves good things in life and deserves happiness whatever that looks like.  Please bestow your grace on all the people at ER, they are amazing people who have done incredible things for me and I want them all to have all the peace and serenity in the world.  Look out for Momma and chick (you know who they are), they need your Grace love and support.  Above all God, please look out for all those that are suffering from depression and anxiety tonight, may they know your love and beauty in their lifetime.

Dear God

I'm scared to let go completely and let you be in charge of my life.  I'm not scared that you want what is best for me but I am scared that in letting you take the reigns I will be giving up some prt of myself.  And yet as I write this I realize that isn't true.  By allowing you to take control of the roller coaster of my life I know that I will stay on the tracks and get to focus my energy on doing the part that you need me to do.  I don't know what that is yet and I may never know but I trust that you will use me to be a messenger for you.  Please help me have the courage to be strong enough to be the messenger you need.  Please help me know that your love is enough and that as long as I walk with you I will have everything that I need and so much more.  I am truly blessed by your grace and I can't wait to see what blessing are around the corner from you.

Love,

Kira 

Meditation Moon and Birds

Last night when I was talking to dad about meditation he told me about something he read once about imagining that you're under water and your thoughts are bubbles and when a thought comes up let the thought float to the surface and pop.  That seemed like an interesting idea so I thought I'd try it.

This morning during meditation the guide talked about the horizon point being the moon rise and visualize seeing the moon.  I think I liked this metaphor a lot because when I think of the horizon I often think of squinting in the sun but when I think of a moon rise I can have my eyes wide open and it doesn't hurt.  I also immediately had the visual in mind of Joe vs the Volcano when the moon is huge and he's standing up in front of it.

When I tried to combine that with the underwater metaphor it didn't work very well but then the thought of birds taking the thoughts and flying away with them came to mind.  I imagine that doves are taking my thoughts away because Doves look beautiful when they fly away but then they fly back to wherever they belong.  So my beautiful thoughts fly away but they will return to where they belong so that they can be used again.

Combining the two metaphors seemed to work really well and I feel really good this morning.  My meditation session really did feel relaxing and like I was working on a journey instead of striving to reach a destination.  Sometimes when I let thoughts go and returned them to the moon the moon would be far away and other times the moon would be big like in Joe vs the Volcano.

Trapped under water

I was a water baby growing up, as a got older I spent every moment I could in the water. There was something about the feel of diving under the water and swimming as far as my breath could carry me before popping up and gasping for air feeling like I almost drown, that made me feel free and alive.

Under water there was no one judging me, I didn't have to think about the right things to say or how to answer I just got to be alone with my thoughts.  I was lucky enough to spend part of my childhood living on the water, so that meant I could spend all day every day in the water during the summer.

I don't remember how old I was the first time I felt like I almost drown.   This was different then when I swam by myself, it was at a party and I remember feeling like I was sure that I was going to die.  

At parties we always brought out this inflatable toy called a fun island, it was 5 ft diameter circle with ropes around the edge to help you climb up.  The other kids and I would take this raft out in the water and climb up On it and see who could push who off first and be king/queen of the island.

One time I don't know how it happened but I got trapped underneath the island.  The problem was that the island wasn't anchored so it was moving and I got disoriented and couldn't figure out which was to go so that I wasn't swimming with the island.  I remember feeling extremely panicked, I was sure that I was going to die.  The next memory I have is of coming up for air and gasping and trying to figure out what had happened and seeing that no one else even noticed that I had been trapped under there. 

I was in the water but I think I remember crying and getting myself out of the water.  I went to my dad very upset and I remember him giving me a squeeze and saying "well, just stop and swim the opposite direction next time".  

Writing this I'm realizing that this event may be a big reason why I'm scared of scuba diving.  I never really liked the idea of having a limited amount of oxygen.  Maybe I'll need to tackle that fear some day soon, that would be a fun vacation.

The Change

It's been a little over 5 months since my last post on this blog and my world couldn't be more different. 

My husband and I moved to a different state, I've grown more than I could ever have imagined, I'm no longer taking any medications and I feel like for the first time in my life I am in charge of my feelings and emotions.  

I am no longer controlled by emotions and feeling I don't understand.  When things happen to shake me I know how to pull myself together, talk to friends, look for comfort in something bigger then myself and remember to take big deep breaths.  

I have come so far and yet now I accept that my journey will never be over and I was always be changing.  Change is something that is no longer a fear but an exciting adventure.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I have faith that everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end.