A tiny bit of space

So the last 2 months have been very dramatic.  I spent 10 days in the BHU (Behavioral Health Unit) and 3 weeks in PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program).  I am back on a medication that I have been on before I've tried medications that didn't work again and they still didn't work and yet I'm still here.

There are still moments of suicidal thoughts there are a lot of moments when it feels like my mind wants me to be in a constant state of misery or dead.   Yet I still put one foot on front of the other and move forward it's not the progress that I want and I have moments when I beat myself up unmercifully but I'm learning to stop fighting myself.

A friend told me recently that you can't hate away the parts of yourself you don't like you can only love them away.  I can't make something go away until I accept that it is a part of me.  There are so many parts of me that I wish that were different and so many ways that I wish things were different.  However, I'm learning to trust the people around me who tell me that this too shall pass and there is a purpose to all things.  I don't want to trust that things are happening I want things to be different then they are.   But all I can do is put 1 foot in front of the other and trust that what I need to know is being worked out in me and I can't make it happen any faster all I can do is figure out ways to distract myself until more information is revealed.

The Change

It's been a little over 5 months since my last post on this blog and my world couldn't be more different. 

My husband and I moved to a different state, I've grown more than I could ever have imagined, I'm no longer taking any medications and I feel like for the first time in my life I am in charge of my feelings and emotions.  

I am no longer controlled by emotions and feeling I don't understand.  When things happen to shake me I know how to pull myself together, talk to friends, look for comfort in something bigger then myself and remember to take big deep breaths.  

I have come so far and yet now I accept that my journey will never be over and I was always be changing.  Change is something that is no longer a fear but an exciting adventure.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I have faith that everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end.