So the last 2 months have been very dramatic. I spent 10 days in the BHU (Behavioral Health Unit) and 3 weeks in PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program). I am back on a medication that I have been on before I've tried medications that didn't work again and they still didn't work and yet I'm still here.
There are still moments of suicidal thoughts there are a lot of moments when it feels like my mind wants me to be in a constant state of misery or dead. Yet I still put one foot on front of the other and move forward it's not the progress that I want and I have moments when I beat myself up unmercifully but I'm learning to stop fighting myself.
A friend told me recently that you can't hate away the parts of yourself you don't like you can only love them away. I can't make something go away until I accept that it is a part of me. There are so many parts of me that I wish that were different and so many ways that I wish things were different. However, I'm learning to trust the people around me who tell me that this too shall pass and there is a purpose to all things. I don't want to trust that things are happening I want things to be different then they are. But all I can do is put 1 foot in front of the other and trust that what I need to know is being worked out in me and I can't make it happen any faster all I can do is figure out ways to distract myself until more information is revealed.
