Monday, November 9, 2015
Neurofeedback
So last week I did my first neurofeedback session and I had a couple of good days and now I'm feeling funky again today. Don't know what it means trying not to put too much meaning too it and just let it be. I hope some day I can balance my need for analysis with my need for serenity and peace. I want to help people and I hope that through my experiences I am able to do that.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
A tiny bit of space
So the last 2 months have been very dramatic. I spent 10 days in the BHU (Behavioral Health Unit) and 3 weeks in PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program). I am back on a medication that I have been on before I've tried medications that didn't work again and they still didn't work and yet I'm still here.
There are still moments of suicidal thoughts there are a lot of moments when it feels like my mind wants me to be in a constant state of misery or dead. Yet I still put one foot on front of the other and move forward it's not the progress that I want and I have moments when I beat myself up unmercifully but I'm learning to stop fighting myself.
A friend told me recently that you can't hate away the parts of yourself you don't like you can only love them away. I can't make something go away until I accept that it is a part of me. There are so many parts of me that I wish that were different and so many ways that I wish things were different. However, I'm learning to trust the people around me who tell me that this too shall pass and there is a purpose to all things. I don't want to trust that things are happening I want things to be different then they are. But all I can do is put 1 foot in front of the other and trust that what I need to know is being worked out in me and I can't make it happen any faster all I can do is figure out ways to distract myself until more information is revealed.
There are still moments of suicidal thoughts there are a lot of moments when it feels like my mind wants me to be in a constant state of misery or dead. Yet I still put one foot on front of the other and move forward it's not the progress that I want and I have moments when I beat myself up unmercifully but I'm learning to stop fighting myself.
A friend told me recently that you can't hate away the parts of yourself you don't like you can only love them away. I can't make something go away until I accept that it is a part of me. There are so many parts of me that I wish that were different and so many ways that I wish things were different. However, I'm learning to trust the people around me who tell me that this too shall pass and there is a purpose to all things. I don't want to trust that things are happening I want things to be different then they are. But all I can do is put 1 foot in front of the other and trust that what I need to know is being worked out in me and I can't make it happen any faster all I can do is figure out ways to distract myself until more information is revealed.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Survival Mode
It feels like the last year of my life has been spent in survival mode. Operating with the bear minimum of mental and emotional resources. The feeling of having absolutely zero space to tolerate anything stressful. Zero space to actually process anything.
This last year has been about recovery and yet I feel as though I've made no forward progress. I know that isn't true, I know that I've learned a lot about myself and I've learned a lot about why I do the things I do.
Living with depression is like living in a bubble. You know that you are surrounded by love and people who love you and yet none of those feelings penetrate the clear wall that surrounds you at all times.
Feeling scared all the time is hard. Feeling as though you're living in a world that has no safety. I wake up every day between 2-4 am and from that time until around 11 am I feel as though there is a vice grip on my heart. After the vice grip leaves I am left feeling numb.
I want to say so much more and yet that's all I can say right now.
This last year has been about recovery and yet I feel as though I've made no forward progress. I know that isn't true, I know that I've learned a lot about myself and I've learned a lot about why I do the things I do.
Living with depression is like living in a bubble. You know that you are surrounded by love and people who love you and yet none of those feelings penetrate the clear wall that surrounds you at all times.
Feeling scared all the time is hard. Feeling as though you're living in a world that has no safety. I wake up every day between 2-4 am and from that time until around 11 am I feel as though there is a vice grip on my heart. After the vice grip leaves I am left feeling numb.
I want to say so much more and yet that's all I can say right now.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Well I gave it a shot
Well my first attempt at starting medication was a bit rough and now I'm having to go back to the drawing board. But this experience has not been without it's lessons.
One of the main things I have learned is that I definitely need help from western medicine. There is a part of me that really wants the answer to be a spiritual problem that I can meditate away and clean my karma and rescue my inner children and I'll be free of this soul sickness. In the long run that may prove to be true, but for now I need help.
My experience with Lamictal was pretty rough. The first week was ok in fact I felt a bit of relief from the soul sadness but after increasing the dose to 50mg I found the side effects of psychomotor agitation too much to handle. After speaking with my doctor it was decided that I would cease taking the medication.
It took a few days for the medication to get completely out of my system and that experience was quite unpleasant. Many who deal with bipolar have to deal with something called a "mixed state" this is when there are both manic and depressive symptoms occurring at the same time. A side effect of a mixed state is psychomotor agitation. Psychomotor Agitation is probably one of the most unpleasant things I have ever experienced it feels like bugs crawling under your skin and you can't sit still and it feels like the most awful thing in the world.
I go back to the doctor this week to try again with a different medication. Who knows what will happen but it's definitely a journey.
One of the main things I have learned is that I definitely need help from western medicine. There is a part of me that really wants the answer to be a spiritual problem that I can meditate away and clean my karma and rescue my inner children and I'll be free of this soul sickness. In the long run that may prove to be true, but for now I need help.
My experience with Lamictal was pretty rough. The first week was ok in fact I felt a bit of relief from the soul sadness but after increasing the dose to 50mg I found the side effects of psychomotor agitation too much to handle. After speaking with my doctor it was decided that I would cease taking the medication.
It took a few days for the medication to get completely out of my system and that experience was quite unpleasant. Many who deal with bipolar have to deal with something called a "mixed state" this is when there are both manic and depressive symptoms occurring at the same time. A side effect of a mixed state is psychomotor agitation. Psychomotor Agitation is probably one of the most unpleasant things I have ever experienced it feels like bugs crawling under your skin and you can't sit still and it feels like the most awful thing in the world.
I go back to the doctor this week to try again with a different medication. Who knows what will happen but it's definitely a journey.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Day 2 - A Little Space
I started to feel a difference yesterday. At first it was a feeling of agitation and anxiety and fear that I had made a mistake starting medication and thoughts that I wouldn't take it a 2nd day. Then the agitation migrated into a feeling of energy, an energy and excitement that I haven't felt for a long time.
As the evening continued I could definitely tell a difference, the feelings were still there but the feeling of complete and total terror were gone. I wish I knew the words to describe the fear and pain that I have experienced in the last few months. A searing pain that was soul deep and felt as though I would blow apart at any moment.
I know that medication is only a temporary band-aid, temporary relief to help me move through all the pain that I need to process.
The space that I'm feeling is allowing me to open my mind a little more. No longer do I feel as though I will die when my mind ventures down certain paths. At least for today I can pass some of the hallways of my mind without wanting to crawl in a hole somewhere and die. A bit dramatic I know but it's where I've been.
Ultimately I realize that these are all just stories that my mind is telling me and none of it is actually real. For now these are the stories I have and hopefully by sharing them someone else may find comfort that they are not entirely alone on their spiritual journey. Of course we are all connected and yet each souls journey is their own to travel but some of share similar experiences.
As the evening continued I could definitely tell a difference, the feelings were still there but the feeling of complete and total terror were gone. I wish I knew the words to describe the fear and pain that I have experienced in the last few months. A searing pain that was soul deep and felt as though I would blow apart at any moment.
I know that medication is only a temporary band-aid, temporary relief to help me move through all the pain that I need to process.
The space that I'm feeling is allowing me to open my mind a little more. No longer do I feel as though I will die when my mind ventures down certain paths. At least for today I can pass some of the hallways of my mind without wanting to crawl in a hole somewhere and die. A bit dramatic I know but it's where I've been.
Ultimately I realize that these are all just stories that my mind is telling me and none of it is actually real. For now these are the stories I have and hopefully by sharing them someone else may find comfort that they are not entirely alone on their spiritual journey. Of course we are all connected and yet each souls journey is their own to travel but some of share similar experiences.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Day 1
"Suffering is resistance to this present moment. Pain in life is a guaranteed experience. Suffering is an optional experience." ~Nobodysnotes.com
This morning I start a new phase of my journey. I took my first dose of Lamotrigine, a mood stabilizing medication, after more than a year of taking no Psychoactive substances including psychiatric medication.
My relationship to this change is an interesting one. I have spent most of the last year maintaining the idea that the years I spent on psychiatric medications and going to different doctors had been "a search for a medical solution to a spiritual problem". By that I mean that the spiritual awakening I have been on for the last year or more must be the answer to why I had been so miserable for long. Alas that is yet again my need for control and certainty coming to the forefront and attempting to assert itself.
As I choose to go back on medication this thoughts of failure of "not being spiritual enough" or not working hard enough are coming into my head. Tears flowed as I thought of those feelings of failure. To ease my suffering I looked through some of the spirituality tabs I had open hoping to find someone else experiencing my feelings. What I found was this question about ones relationship to suffering and the response which starts with "Suffering is resistance to this present moment. Pain in life is a guaranteed experience. Suffering is an optional experience. It is never the experience itself that makes you suffer. It is believing the thoughts about the experience that makes you suffer" and for the first time I understood.
Depression is something I have battled my whole life. I use the word battled because it isn't until this moment that I realize that a significant source of the suffering of my life has been this fight against something that is a part of me. Depression and mood swings are my dark companion, my shadow they are as much a part of who I am as my brown hair and brown eyes. I have spent a significant portion of my life trying to eradicate my dark passenger and find a guarantee and a stability that would ensure I had a solid foundation on which to live my life. I'm a bit on the stubborn side sometimes and resist ideas like impermanence.
I no longer wish to eradicate my dark passenger but I do accept that she is there and I accept she is a part of my life. I also accept that there is enough suffering in life and there is no need for additional suffering. So I start this next phase of my journey with a new relationship with myself and a desire to find just a little stability in this crazy world of mine.
I wish to honor my spirit on this journey and share it in the event that it helps someone else.
I wish to honor my spirit on this journey and share it in the event that it helps someone else.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
1 Year Later
On May 17th 2014 I started a journey that altered who I am to my very core. On that day I stopped all substances that changed my mental state (well almost all, I still haven't given up sugar). That means no alcohol, no pot and I also stopped taking all the Psychiatric medications that I've taken on and off since I was 16. This is my journey and my path and not necessarily something I would recommend for anyone else. But this is my truth and I feel like it's finally time to start sharing.
What I have experienced in the last year has taken me to depths of pain and despair I didn't know were possible. Yet on days like today I have hope for the future and I can see how far I've come.
Psychiatric medications and specifically the ADHD medication Dexadrine provided a buffer between the painful events of my life and my emotions so I did not experience the full pain extent of the pain I was enduring. I came across a quote recently that describes perfectly how I feel.
"It has been hard work to delve into the messiness of my mind, confront my post-traumatic stress and untangle my emotions. I am grateful that I've had the chance to do so. My body and mind [and spirit] are healing. Pain levels are abating and fatigue, although still an issue, is no longer completely debilitating" ~Kimberly Jaleh
The body is an amazing vessel and even if we don't consciously remember something the mind and the body do. When given the opportunity to share a repressed story the mind and body will flood your consciousness with all the pain you never wanted to deal with and all of sudden you have no choice but to confront the reality of who you really are.
I don't think I'm quite ready to delve into the details of the messiness of my mind but perhaps that will unfold with time. I'll leave that up to my Higher Power the one that has helped me survive the last year. I am learning one day at a time to trust that I have all the information I need at this moment to do what I need in this moment and when I am ready for more, more will be revealed.
One question that has come up many times this year is whether I will stay off of medication and that question is definitely still up in the air. There are some days that the pain and fear are so overwhelming I want to crawl in a hole and never come out again. And yet I have people in my life who help me face each day, each hour, each moment and give me the courage to say I can do this. To all of you I love you and I am truly blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for this year.
What I have experienced in the last year has taken me to depths of pain and despair I didn't know were possible. Yet on days like today I have hope for the future and I can see how far I've come.
Psychiatric medications and specifically the ADHD medication Dexadrine provided a buffer between the painful events of my life and my emotions so I did not experience the full pain extent of the pain I was enduring. I came across a quote recently that describes perfectly how I feel.
"It has been hard work to delve into the messiness of my mind, confront my post-traumatic stress and untangle my emotions. I am grateful that I've had the chance to do so. My body and mind [and spirit] are healing. Pain levels are abating and fatigue, although still an issue, is no longer completely debilitating" ~Kimberly Jaleh
The body is an amazing vessel and even if we don't consciously remember something the mind and the body do. When given the opportunity to share a repressed story the mind and body will flood your consciousness with all the pain you never wanted to deal with and all of sudden you have no choice but to confront the reality of who you really are.
I don't think I'm quite ready to delve into the details of the messiness of my mind but perhaps that will unfold with time. I'll leave that up to my Higher Power the one that has helped me survive the last year. I am learning one day at a time to trust that I have all the information I need at this moment to do what I need in this moment and when I am ready for more, more will be revealed.
One question that has come up many times this year is whether I will stay off of medication and that question is definitely still up in the air. There are some days that the pain and fear are so overwhelming I want to crawl in a hole and never come out again. And yet I have people in my life who help me face each day, each hour, each moment and give me the courage to say I can do this. To all of you I love you and I am truly blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for this year.
Friday, May 15, 2015
Vulnerability
Right now I feel so incredibly vulnerable as though if someone looks at me the wrong way I will fall apart and my world will shatter into a million pieces. Perhaps that's what I need. At the same time things are so fragile that I'm afraid that if I shatter into a million pieces there will be no way to put me back together again. I can't let anyone close right now because if I let anyone close they could pull that pin that is holding me so tenuously together and I will fly apart to never be put back together again.
He has the power to destroy me right now and that isn't good. I wish I knew what to do to get myself to that place where I could withstand the verbal jabs and the heartache but I'm not there. I have to protect myself from the hurtful words and the possible rejection because the rejection hurts so badly it makes it impossible to breathe.
On my spiritual path you have to let go of attachment and I am so aware of my attachment right now and how much it hurts. The spiritual teachers all say all you have to do is let go and yet that feels absolutely and completely impossible right now. I know at some point in the future I will look back and not understand why it was so hard but right now it seems absolutely impossible to let go. The emotional pain is so strong and so overwhelming that it feels like I have no choice but to hold on or at least only let go in small bites. Every day I let go a little more and work a little more at how I feel about letting things go.
The ego is such a frustrating concept, mine is holding on so tightly to certain ideas as though it is completely and totally preserving life. My life will continue but the question is can I get past those parts of my ego that want to be annihilated? I don't know but for today I will focus on accepting where I'm at and be ok with that even if my mind wants to be so much farther than I am. I accept that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in this moment. Wait a minute and that may change but at this moment I am in acceptance of everything as it. Or at least I think I am.
He has the power to destroy me right now and that isn't good. I wish I knew what to do to get myself to that place where I could withstand the verbal jabs and the heartache but I'm not there. I have to protect myself from the hurtful words and the possible rejection because the rejection hurts so badly it makes it impossible to breathe.
On my spiritual path you have to let go of attachment and I am so aware of my attachment right now and how much it hurts. The spiritual teachers all say all you have to do is let go and yet that feels absolutely and completely impossible right now. I know at some point in the future I will look back and not understand why it was so hard but right now it seems absolutely impossible to let go. The emotional pain is so strong and so overwhelming that it feels like I have no choice but to hold on or at least only let go in small bites. Every day I let go a little more and work a little more at how I feel about letting things go.
The ego is such a frustrating concept, mine is holding on so tightly to certain ideas as though it is completely and totally preserving life. My life will continue but the question is can I get past those parts of my ego that want to be annihilated? I don't know but for today I will focus on accepting where I'm at and be ok with that even if my mind wants to be so much farther than I am. I accept that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in this moment. Wait a minute and that may change but at this moment I am in acceptance of everything as it. Or at least I think I am.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Love Hurts
No matter how you slice it ending a relationship is painful. The brain interprets emotional pain in the same way it interprets physical pain and when your heart is broken it can feel like you're dying.
But the reality is that all things rise and pass away and just because something or someone is leaving your life for now no one can predict the future and you have no idea what will happen tomorrow.
All I can do is focus on this day, this hour, just this moment and breathe through the hurt that feels like it will break me a part. I know that I am will survive I know that I will grow and I know that I will always have love in my heart for those that are no longer in my life.
But the reality is that all things rise and pass away and just because something or someone is leaving your life for now no one can predict the future and you have no idea what will happen tomorrow.
All I can do is focus on this day, this hour, just this moment and breathe through the hurt that feels like it will break me a part. I know that I am will survive I know that I will grow and I know that I will always have love in my heart for those that are no longer in my life.
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