What I have experienced in the last year has taken me to depths of pain and despair I didn't know were possible. Yet on days like today I have hope for the future and I can see how far I've come.
Psychiatric medications and specifically the ADHD medication Dexadrine provided a buffer between the painful events of my life and my emotions so I did not experience the full pain extent of the pain I was enduring. I came across a quote recently that describes perfectly how I feel.
"It has been hard work to delve into the messiness of my mind, confront my post-traumatic stress and untangle my emotions. I am grateful that I've had the chance to do so. My body and mind [and spirit] are healing. Pain levels are abating and fatigue, although still an issue, is no longer completely debilitating" ~Kimberly Jaleh
The body is an amazing vessel and even if we don't consciously remember something the mind and the body do. When given the opportunity to share a repressed story the mind and body will flood your consciousness with all the pain you never wanted to deal with and all of sudden you have no choice but to confront the reality of who you really are.
I don't think I'm quite ready to delve into the details of the messiness of my mind but perhaps that will unfold with time. I'll leave that up to my Higher Power the one that has helped me survive the last year. I am learning one day at a time to trust that I have all the information I need at this moment to do what I need in this moment and when I am ready for more, more will be revealed.
One question that has come up many times this year is whether I will stay off of medication and that question is definitely still up in the air. There are some days that the pain and fear are so overwhelming I want to crawl in a hole and never come out again. And yet I have people in my life who help me face each day, each hour, each moment and give me the courage to say I can do this. To all of you I love you and I am truly blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for this year.
