Survival Mode

It feels like the last year of my life has been spent in survival mode.  Operating with the bear minimum of mental and emotional resources.  The feeling of having absolutely zero space to tolerate anything stressful.  Zero space to actually process anything.

This last year has been about recovery and yet I feel as though I've made no forward progress.  I know that isn't true, I know that I've learned a lot about myself and I've learned a lot about why I do the things I do.

Living with depression is like living in a bubble.  You know that you are surrounded by love and people who love you and yet none of those feelings penetrate the clear wall that surrounds you at all times.

Feeling scared all the time is hard.  Feeling as though you're living in a world that has no safety.  I wake up every day between 2-4 am and from that time until around 11 am I feel as though there is a vice grip on my heart.  After the vice grip leaves I am left feeling numb.

I want to say so much more and yet that's all I can say right now.

Well I gave it a shot

Well my first attempt at starting medication was a bit rough and now I'm having to go back to the drawing board.  But this experience has not been without it's lessons.

One of the main things I have learned is that I definitely need help from western medicine.  There is a part of me that really wants the answer to be a spiritual problem that I can meditate away and clean my karma and rescue my inner children and I'll be free of this soul sickness.  In the long run that may prove to be true, but for now I need help.

My experience with Lamictal was pretty rough.  The first week was ok in fact I felt a bit of relief from the soul sadness but after increasing the dose to 50mg I found the side effects of psychomotor agitation too much to handle.  After speaking with my doctor it was decided that I would cease taking the medication.

It took a few days for the medication to get completely out of my system and that experience was quite unpleasant.  Many who deal with bipolar have to deal with something called a "mixed state" this is when there are both manic and depressive symptoms occurring at the same time.  A side effect of a mixed state is psychomotor agitation.  Psychomotor Agitation is probably one of the most unpleasant things I have ever experienced it feels like bugs crawling under your skin and you can't sit still and it feels like the most awful thing in the world.

I go back to the doctor this week to try again with a different medication.  Who knows what will happen but it's definitely a journey.

Day 2 - A Little Space

I started to feel a difference yesterday.  At first it was a feeling of agitation and anxiety and fear that I had made a mistake starting medication and thoughts that I wouldn't take it a 2nd day.  Then the agitation migrated into a feeling of energy, an energy and excitement that I haven't felt for a long time.

As the evening continued I could definitely tell a difference, the feelings were still there but the feeling of complete and total terror were gone.  I wish I knew the words to describe the fear and pain that I have experienced in the last few months.  A searing pain that was soul deep and felt as though I would blow apart at any moment.

I know that medication is only a temporary band-aid, temporary relief to help me move through all the pain that I need to process.

The space that I'm feeling is allowing me to open my mind a little more.  No longer do I feel as though I will die when my mind ventures down certain paths.  At least for today I can pass some of the hallways of my mind without wanting to crawl in a hole somewhere and die.  A bit dramatic I know but it's where I've been.

Ultimately I realize that these are all just stories that my mind is telling me and none of it is actually real.  For now these are the stories I have and hopefully by sharing them someone else may find comfort that they are not entirely alone on their spiritual journey.  Of course we are all connected and yet each souls journey is their own to travel but some of share similar experiences.

Day 1

"Suffering is resistance to this present moment. Pain in life is a guaranteed experience. Suffering is an optional experience." ~Nobodysnotes.com

This morning I start a new phase of my journey. I took my first dose of Lamotrigine, a mood stabilizing medication, after more than a year of taking no Psychoactive substances including psychiatric medication.  

My relationship to this change is an interesting one.  I have spent most of the last year maintaining the idea that the years I spent on psychiatric medications and going to different doctors had been "a search for a medical solution to a spiritual problem". By that I mean that the spiritual awakening I have been on for the last year or more must be the answer to why I had been so miserable for long.  Alas that is yet again my need for control and certainty coming to the forefront and attempting to assert itself.

As I choose to go back on medication this thoughts of failure of "not being spiritual enough" or not working hard enough are coming into my head.  Tears flowed as I thought of those feelings of failure.  To ease my suffering I looked through some of the spirituality tabs I had open hoping to find someone else experiencing my feelings.  What I found was this question about ones relationship to suffering and the response which starts with "Suffering is resistance to this present moment.  Pain in life is a guaranteed experience. Suffering is an optional experience.  It is never the experience itself that makes you suffer.  It is believing the thoughts about the experience that makes you suffer" and for the first time I understood.

Depression is something I have battled my whole life.  I use the word battled because it isn't until this moment that I realize that a significant source of the suffering of my life has been this fight against something that is a part of me.  Depression and mood swings are my dark companion, my shadow they are as much a part of who I am as my brown hair and brown eyes.  I have spent a significant portion of my life trying to eradicate my dark passenger and find a guarantee and a stability that would ensure I had a solid foundation on which to live my life.  I'm a bit on the stubborn side sometimes and resist ideas like impermanence.

I no longer wish to eradicate my dark passenger but I do accept that she is there and I accept she is a part of my life.  I also accept that there is enough suffering in life and there is no need for additional suffering.  So I start this next phase of my journey with a new relationship with myself and a desire to find just a little stability in this crazy world of mine.

I wish to honor my spirit on this journey and share it in the event that it helps someone else.