In ACA there is a concept of an inner loving parent. The idea of allowing that inner loving parent to have a say was scary. Actually that wasn't so scary but was scary was not listening to the inner critical parent. The critical parent is the one that drove me to do all the things that helped me survive. Of course the "survival" also meant pushing myself to extremes in work, studies, exercise and many other areas of life.
When I finally stopped listening to the critical parent and started listening to the inner children and loving parent there was part of of me that was terrified. I was terrified that I was going to turn into a lazy slob that I would never have any ambition and I would end up living in my car.
So far none of that has happened. What does happen is that I feel a lot more internal peace and I get to be gentle with myself. I'm no longer driven to be the high powered person I thought I was supposed to be. I am no longer driven to push myself to run 5 miles a day. I don't actually work very hard at things right now. I know that this is a phase and that nothing is permanent and I'm starting to see a little bit more pushing. But it's still gentle and it's with internal trust.
One thing that helped me to trust and let go was remembering that sometimes there are extreme swings in order to find equilibrium. Sometimes it takes going from one extreme to the other to figure out where the middle is and to find balance.
Writing this blog is a balance. My inner child really wants to finish watching the Matrix. But I've learned that when I put off until tomorrow an idea that I want to write about then the idea doesn't go anywhere. So, I'm writing this post quickly because I made a deal with my inner child that we would watch the rest of the movie tonight. It's not perfect it's actually written quite quickly and probably has a lot of mistakes but I know that I'm at least getting something across and that's what I want to do.
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