I am bipolar and that means that I have severe mood swings, trouble controlling my emotions and suicidal thoughts. Sometimes the depression gets so bad I will subconsciously pick fights with my husband in order to feel anger because it's better then the severe emotional pain I'm feeling. I am feel anxious all the time and I am constantly analyzing how I feel and what I can do to fix it.
The reality is I can't "fix it" all I can do is learn to live with it and minimize the impact it has on my life. No pill is going to suddenly make the negative thoughts about myself go away, it's something that I will struggle with and it's probably going to be hard work. Sure I can be jealous of the people who can easily feel content in their own skin but I'm guessing there aren't nearly as many of them as I think and the ones that do exist are probably not going to make much of an impact on the world.
It's okay that I'm bipolar there isn't anything I did to cause it. Given my family history I had a 70% chance of developing the disorder. I have to forgive myself when the emotions get to be too much and I can't control them because from what I understand they are so much more powerful than most people would ever experience in their lifetime.
I'm not defective. I am challenged, but never defective. I have to learn to live with the challenges and figure out how to structure my life so the challenges don't derail my life. I will learn to live with these complications and I will not let it run my life.
For now the mood swings are really bad and I don't know from one minute to the next how I'm going to feel and so that makes planning anything very difficult. So for now I need to give myself permission to not have a plan and my goal is to focus on keeping my thoughts neutral or positive even when my mood is at it's worst.
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