The other day I had dinner at a friends house for dinner and meditation as I do every week. Another acquaintance was there and she and I were discussing depression which is often a topic among this group because we all suffer from it to one degree or another.
This acquaintance used an analogy I hadn't heard before that her brain was constantly tuned to the same radio station and she couldn't change the channel. She practices ignoring the noise but it's always there this constant hum in the background. This particular analogy really resonated with me because that's what depression often feels like, this scratchy old broadcast that you can never get rid of that you're sometimes able to turn the volume down on but other times it's so loud it's the only thing you can think about because the thoughts are so blaringly loud.
Fast forward to today and I had a very good appointment with my psychiatrist. He's giving me hope. But what does that have to do with the radio station? Well, I told him the story about the radio station and a little while later we were discussing something else and he said yea when you're depressed that radio station is always tuned to Hell.
So that is a new description to have in my back pocket when people don't understand depression. Depression is a radio station from Hell that you can't turn off on your own and if you're bipolar the volume fluctuates between almost silent to ear bleeding loud.
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Monday, October 7, 2013
Suicidal Ideation
According to wikipedia one out of three people with bipolar disorder report past attempts of suicide or complete it, and the annual average suicide rate is 0.4%, which is 10 to 20 times that of the general population. Why is that? That's because bipolar disorder causes suicidal ideation which is just a medical term for suicidal thoughts.
As someone who tries to be very logical you would think that it wouldn't be too hard to just consider the facts and know that the thoughts and feelings I experience are caused by a chemical imbalance and they are not real. But the reality of that situation is very different. While I may know that the thoughts are caused by an incorrect balance of chemicals in my brain it still does not change how incredibly painful and powerful the thoughts and feelings can be. On several occasions I've told Doctors and friends that there are times when it feels as though my soul hurts, it's a soul crushing pain that feels as though I can't breath. And it doesn't matter how often I tell myself that the pain isn't real that it can't actually hurt me that all I have to do is breath and it will eventually go away. No matter how many times I tell myself and try and believe it I still feel the immense pain.
I have dealt with suicidal thoughts for a very long time and I have never made any attempts. I have no control over the plans forming and I have no way of stopping them I can't will them to go away. What I can do is take care to ensure that someone else knows what I'm having "bad thoughts" and if it goes so far as to make a plan then I make sure that I take the appropriate measures to make sure that someone is aware of it. Bipolar is not something that can be cured, all you can do is take steps to minimize the impact it has on your life and those around you. Sure when these things happen you can go to the hospital which I've done, but it happens so often that it isn't realistic to go to the doctor every time so I have to take measures to make sure that I am safe and that I'm not dealing with the thoughts completely alone.
Sometimes getting help from loved ones is easier said then done. Bipolar is a very persistent illness, it won't let you put things aside until a better time. It often feels like you're going to die if you don't deal with the situation right that very second so sometimes you have to ask for help from those that are close by even if they aren't necessarily the ones who are best equipped to help. As much as people love you everyone has their own preconceived notions about how you should handle your illness or whether there is in fact anything wrong and you're just not trying hard enough. All you can do at that point is just try and focus on the fact that people love you and even if the things they say accidentally make you feel worse, most of the time they are doing their best to help and try and have patience with them and just remind yourself over and over again that they are trying to help even when your brain is trying to tell you otherwise.
As someone who tries to be very logical you would think that it wouldn't be too hard to just consider the facts and know that the thoughts and feelings I experience are caused by a chemical imbalance and they are not real. But the reality of that situation is very different. While I may know that the thoughts are caused by an incorrect balance of chemicals in my brain it still does not change how incredibly painful and powerful the thoughts and feelings can be. On several occasions I've told Doctors and friends that there are times when it feels as though my soul hurts, it's a soul crushing pain that feels as though I can't breath. And it doesn't matter how often I tell myself that the pain isn't real that it can't actually hurt me that all I have to do is breath and it will eventually go away. No matter how many times I tell myself and try and believe it I still feel the immense pain.
I have dealt with suicidal thoughts for a very long time and I have never made any attempts. I have no control over the plans forming and I have no way of stopping them I can't will them to go away. What I can do is take care to ensure that someone else knows what I'm having "bad thoughts" and if it goes so far as to make a plan then I make sure that I take the appropriate measures to make sure that someone is aware of it. Bipolar is not something that can be cured, all you can do is take steps to minimize the impact it has on your life and those around you. Sure when these things happen you can go to the hospital which I've done, but it happens so often that it isn't realistic to go to the doctor every time so I have to take measures to make sure that I am safe and that I'm not dealing with the thoughts completely alone.
Sometimes getting help from loved ones is easier said then done. Bipolar is a very persistent illness, it won't let you put things aside until a better time. It often feels like you're going to die if you don't deal with the situation right that very second so sometimes you have to ask for help from those that are close by even if they aren't necessarily the ones who are best equipped to help. As much as people love you everyone has their own preconceived notions about how you should handle your illness or whether there is in fact anything wrong and you're just not trying hard enough. All you can do at that point is just try and focus on the fact that people love you and even if the things they say accidentally make you feel worse, most of the time they are doing their best to help and try and have patience with them and just remind yourself over and over again that they are trying to help even when your brain is trying to tell you otherwise.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)