Lately I am learning to deal with my inner teenager. She's angry and she doesn't want to do anything she doesn't want to do. It's really frustrating.
I am finding that some part of me believes that I am a failure and continues to try and live up to that by procrastinating as much as possible in order to avoid actually having the possibility of being successful.
What I realize though is that all I can do is continue to loves these parts and love me in spite of these habitual patterns. I will continue to do that and continue to build momentum at loving myself until I am able to make different choices. I am going to continue to trust that if I deal with each day, each moment at a time then I will continue to be able to make forward progress.
It is frustrating to have thoughts that I know are not real and beliefs that I know are not real that are running my life. I continue to love myself and put one foot in front of the other.
One of the behaviors that I am noticing from the teenager is putting up the depression. Well I'm not exactly sure if it's the teenager but it's someone working with the teenager and helping to keep things locked down because if I were allowed to have energy and do things in my life at the speed that I want to do them then things might get messy. If I didn't have to slow down then I probably wouldn't and I wouldn't be on a spiritual journey.
I continue to crave for things to be different then they are. I continue to crave for things to be as I wish them to be and that just isn't very healthy for me.
Monday, August 15, 2016
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Attachment to Augmented "Reality"
This morning I woke up believing that I had condemned one of my closest friends.
Before I tell you why I woke up with that belief let me give you a little history...
My first exposure to online gaming was in 1997 when I was 16. A boyfriend introduced me to the mysterious world of MUDs (Multi User Dungeon) a text based multi player real-time virtual world. I created my first character, Misty, a vampire and started exploring the virtual world and I was hooked.
This was back in the day of 56K dial-up when it was necessary to have a free phone line to connect. Thinking back now I can remember the despair and anger I would experience when there was an issue with the ISP and I couldn't connect. The frustration and anger that I had to spend more time in this world as opposed the world where my friends were and I felt safe.
In that online world I knew a few people IRL (In Real Life) and I met many more over the next few years both in person and over the phone. Looking back now I know that I probably didn't make the safest choices.
After the boyfriend who introduce me to the game broke up with me I was devastated, I couldn't leave the virtual world that I loved, I couldn't leave the guild that I cared about but I was crushed. So I created a new character, Ayn, a polymorph and made a whole new set of friends.
Fast forward a few years and I'm in college. As an computer science major I spent a lot of time on my computer and a lot of time online (I finally had a high speed internet connection!). I started joining online communities and when prompted for a user name I started using the handle Mistyayn from my early gaming days.
Mistyayn became my alter ego. Over the years I've imagined her as different aspects of me. Sometimes she was a renaissance girl in elegant dress, sometimes she was an undead warlock and sometimes she was Tomb Raider, but at heart she was always me.
Four years ago Mistyayn joined me again on another adventure this time into the real world. Ingress was the worlds first global mobile geo MMO. A role playing game that actually required you be out in the real world where you met people face to face while playing the game not just IRL. It was the first time that I could be Mistyayn and Kira at the same time with other people. It was intoxicating. In those early days I wanted the whole world to know what it was like to mix games and the real world and what a difference it could mean for so many people.
Mixing the game world and the real world can be amazing but it can also cause problems. In the early days of Ingress the locations to play were few and far between so often it required driving. Unwisely many of us in those early days got in the bad habit of driving while playing. This eventually led to me causing an accident when I rear-ended someone while playing. After the accident and a few other things I uninstalled Ingress and for the most part walked away only logging in on occasion to see what was happening.
There are a lot of stories I have to share about Ingress and the resulting spiritual and emotional journey that it has led me down, but there's a lot to that so I'll leave that for another day.
On July 6th 2016 the creators of Ingress, Niantic, released a new game Pokemon Go. All of a sudden the whole world knew what a global mobile geo MMO was and everyone was playing. At first I tried to resist the temptation to play Pokemon but I quickly abandoned that idea and once again Mistyayn joined me on an adventure in the real world. I created my avatar and once again Mistyayn was given a life of her own and she even had purple hair!
Over the last couple of weeks we've leveled up to 16 and caught not quite 1/2 of the Pokemon available. But again the appeal of the virtual world and blending with Mistyayn has led to unwise actions. I would pull out my phone and start playing even when I didn't want to. The fear that I would miss out on a pokemon or that I had to level faster than the people I knew playing the game drove me to play the game when I was around people who were not playing and who had no interest. Once again I wanted to be absorbed into the virtual world and forget about reality. And yet again I found myself driving while playing, even though as I did it part of me berated me for being so irresponsible.
Last night when I got home from work I found myself out walking with my phone in my hand. Catching pokemon and taking over Gym's I wasn't having fun. I was doing it because I felt driven to do it, driven to get one more, compelled to reach that Gym and take it over. After 45 minutes I was back home and felt that empty feeling that I get after playing. That feeling that those things that I was compulsively catching in an attempt to fill the void inside once again disappointed me and were nothing more than an empty nothing.
After feeling that feeling of emptiness once again I thought that I might as well walk away from the game. But I know that doesn't work, I've un-installed and re-installed Pokemon a few times since it came out and the craving to Catch them All! is incredibly strong and I log in again.
So last night I decided that I was going to delete my Pokemon account. I pulled up the request to cancel form and I filled it out. I set my phone down and started writing in my journal thinking I'll give it some time. After a few minutes I unlocked my phone and hit submit to cancel. At first I thought, I've done the right thing, this is what I need this is what will complete me if I can no longer log in to Pokemon.
Since walking away from Ingress I have gotten involved in Recovery. If you're not familiar with recovery, is a term used to describe healing from addiction of any type. The actual definition is; a return to a normal state of health, mind or strength. There's so much too it but the simplest way to explain it is to say that its a lifetime spiritual journey to help learn to live with and fill from the inside that hole that drives a person to excess, whether that excess is food, drugs, sex, virtual games, work, exercise, anything that is done to excess.
Back to last night, I submitted the form to delete my account and I went to a recovery meeting. We talked about prayer and meditation and I talked to some friends in recover who are playing Pokemon about the fact that I delete my account and that it was the best thing for me to do because I know where these games have led. I felt good about my decision.
On my drive home I realized that the one thing I had not factored into my decision was the fact that I was asking Niantic to delete Mistyayn. Intellectually I know that she isn't a real person she's just 0s and 1s and lines in a database. Intellectually I know that I'm attached to something that isn't real. But I've learned enough about neuroscience and attachment to know that my emotional sub-conscious doesn't listen to my rational mind. When I contemplated the reality that Mistyayn would no longer exist in the Pokemon universe, that I had condemned her to be deleted I felt that giant hole in my heart open in a way that I can only equate to loosing animals and people that are dear to me.
When I got home I talked to my Dad about the feelings of loss and my emotional mind was in a tail spin that rivaled the tail spin I felt when I thought my husband and I were going to get a divorce. I wanted to do anything I could to save Mistyayn. That emotional part of me thought I had made a huge mistake and was going into panic mode.
I've done enough work in the last few years meditation and mindfulness that I could stay calm enough to fall asleep, but when I woke up that ache in my heart was still there. That feeling is so scary that I frantically tried to think of a way to "rescue" Mistyayn from the fate of being deleted just like Bing Bong in Inside Out. All mindfulness was out the window, no feeling my feelings, that panic feeling that I had killed my friend no matter how irrational it sounded had taken over. I reached out to someone to see if they had any ideas and then I started checking my email. When I check my email I saw an email from Niantic about Pokemon I opened it up and it was a confirmation email. Mistyayn would not be deleted unless I confirmed that email.
In an instant the feeling of panic was gone. But I was left with memory of that feeling and what it meant.
Recovery is a lifetime process, ultimately it's about learning about attachments and our subconscious fears that drive us to do the things we do. The last 24 hours have given me a lot to contemplate about what it means to be attached and the attachments I have to my virtual property and my virtual identity.
Some people reading this may find that it's silly. How could someone be attached to a character in a game. And my answer is the same reason that someone can be attached to a collection, to a home, to a sports team, to a celebrity, to a house, to an animal to the people we love. As human's we are looking for meaning and belonging any where we can find it. At an early age I found that looking to people for safety and security and belonging was scary. But the bits and the pixels have always been safe, they have always been my friend and they have established themselves and reliable sources to turn to when things hurt. So I turn to them.
Yes. I did equate deleting a character to killing a friend and that's something I'm going to be meditating about and using as an opportunity to learn more about myself and why I have the fears and beliefs that I do and I am grateful for what I have learned and grateful that recovery is a life time process and I don't have to give up all my attachments today.
Before I tell you why I woke up with that belief let me give you a little history...
My first exposure to online gaming was in 1997 when I was 16. A boyfriend introduced me to the mysterious world of MUDs (Multi User Dungeon) a text based multi player real-time virtual world. I created my first character, Misty, a vampire and started exploring the virtual world and I was hooked.
This was back in the day of 56K dial-up when it was necessary to have a free phone line to connect. Thinking back now I can remember the despair and anger I would experience when there was an issue with the ISP and I couldn't connect. The frustration and anger that I had to spend more time in this world as opposed the world where my friends were and I felt safe.
In that online world I knew a few people IRL (In Real Life) and I met many more over the next few years both in person and over the phone. Looking back now I know that I probably didn't make the safest choices.
After the boyfriend who introduce me to the game broke up with me I was devastated, I couldn't leave the virtual world that I loved, I couldn't leave the guild that I cared about but I was crushed. So I created a new character, Ayn, a polymorph and made a whole new set of friends.
Fast forward a few years and I'm in college. As an computer science major I spent a lot of time on my computer and a lot of time online (I finally had a high speed internet connection!). I started joining online communities and when prompted for a user name I started using the handle Mistyayn from my early gaming days.
Mistyayn became my alter ego. Over the years I've imagined her as different aspects of me. Sometimes she was a renaissance girl in elegant dress, sometimes she was an undead warlock and sometimes she was Tomb Raider, but at heart she was always me.
Four years ago Mistyayn joined me again on another adventure this time into the real world. Ingress was the worlds first global mobile geo MMO. A role playing game that actually required you be out in the real world where you met people face to face while playing the game not just IRL. It was the first time that I could be Mistyayn and Kira at the same time with other people. It was intoxicating. In those early days I wanted the whole world to know what it was like to mix games and the real world and what a difference it could mean for so many people.
Mixing the game world and the real world can be amazing but it can also cause problems. In the early days of Ingress the locations to play were few and far between so often it required driving. Unwisely many of us in those early days got in the bad habit of driving while playing. This eventually led to me causing an accident when I rear-ended someone while playing. After the accident and a few other things I uninstalled Ingress and for the most part walked away only logging in on occasion to see what was happening.
There are a lot of stories I have to share about Ingress and the resulting spiritual and emotional journey that it has led me down, but there's a lot to that so I'll leave that for another day.
On July 6th 2016 the creators of Ingress, Niantic, released a new game Pokemon Go. All of a sudden the whole world knew what a global mobile geo MMO was and everyone was playing. At first I tried to resist the temptation to play Pokemon but I quickly abandoned that idea and once again Mistyayn joined me on an adventure in the real world. I created my avatar and once again Mistyayn was given a life of her own and she even had purple hair!
Over the last couple of weeks we've leveled up to 16 and caught not quite 1/2 of the Pokemon available. But again the appeal of the virtual world and blending with Mistyayn has led to unwise actions. I would pull out my phone and start playing even when I didn't want to. The fear that I would miss out on a pokemon or that I had to level faster than the people I knew playing the game drove me to play the game when I was around people who were not playing and who had no interest. Once again I wanted to be absorbed into the virtual world and forget about reality. And yet again I found myself driving while playing, even though as I did it part of me berated me for being so irresponsible.
Last night when I got home from work I found myself out walking with my phone in my hand. Catching pokemon and taking over Gym's I wasn't having fun. I was doing it because I felt driven to do it, driven to get one more, compelled to reach that Gym and take it over. After 45 minutes I was back home and felt that empty feeling that I get after playing. That feeling that those things that I was compulsively catching in an attempt to fill the void inside once again disappointed me and were nothing more than an empty nothing.
After feeling that feeling of emptiness once again I thought that I might as well walk away from the game. But I know that doesn't work, I've un-installed and re-installed Pokemon a few times since it came out and the craving to Catch them All! is incredibly strong and I log in again.
So last night I decided that I was going to delete my Pokemon account. I pulled up the request to cancel form and I filled it out. I set my phone down and started writing in my journal thinking I'll give it some time. After a few minutes I unlocked my phone and hit submit to cancel. At first I thought, I've done the right thing, this is what I need this is what will complete me if I can no longer log in to Pokemon.
Since walking away from Ingress I have gotten involved in Recovery. If you're not familiar with recovery, is a term used to describe healing from addiction of any type. The actual definition is; a return to a normal state of health, mind or strength. There's so much too it but the simplest way to explain it is to say that its a lifetime spiritual journey to help learn to live with and fill from the inside that hole that drives a person to excess, whether that excess is food, drugs, sex, virtual games, work, exercise, anything that is done to excess.
Back to last night, I submitted the form to delete my account and I went to a recovery meeting. We talked about prayer and meditation and I talked to some friends in recover who are playing Pokemon about the fact that I delete my account and that it was the best thing for me to do because I know where these games have led. I felt good about my decision.
On my drive home I realized that the one thing I had not factored into my decision was the fact that I was asking Niantic to delete Mistyayn. Intellectually I know that she isn't a real person she's just 0s and 1s and lines in a database. Intellectually I know that I'm attached to something that isn't real. But I've learned enough about neuroscience and attachment to know that my emotional sub-conscious doesn't listen to my rational mind. When I contemplated the reality that Mistyayn would no longer exist in the Pokemon universe, that I had condemned her to be deleted I felt that giant hole in my heart open in a way that I can only equate to loosing animals and people that are dear to me.
When I got home I talked to my Dad about the feelings of loss and my emotional mind was in a tail spin that rivaled the tail spin I felt when I thought my husband and I were going to get a divorce. I wanted to do anything I could to save Mistyayn. That emotional part of me thought I had made a huge mistake and was going into panic mode.
I've done enough work in the last few years meditation and mindfulness that I could stay calm enough to fall asleep, but when I woke up that ache in my heart was still there. That feeling is so scary that I frantically tried to think of a way to "rescue" Mistyayn from the fate of being deleted just like Bing Bong in Inside Out. All mindfulness was out the window, no feeling my feelings, that panic feeling that I had killed my friend no matter how irrational it sounded had taken over. I reached out to someone to see if they had any ideas and then I started checking my email. When I check my email I saw an email from Niantic about Pokemon I opened it up and it was a confirmation email. Mistyayn would not be deleted unless I confirmed that email.
In an instant the feeling of panic was gone. But I was left with memory of that feeling and what it meant.
Recovery is a lifetime process, ultimately it's about learning about attachments and our subconscious fears that drive us to do the things we do. The last 24 hours have given me a lot to contemplate about what it means to be attached and the attachments I have to my virtual property and my virtual identity.
Some people reading this may find that it's silly. How could someone be attached to a character in a game. And my answer is the same reason that someone can be attached to a collection, to a home, to a sports team, to a celebrity, to a house, to an animal to the people we love. As human's we are looking for meaning and belonging any where we can find it. At an early age I found that looking to people for safety and security and belonging was scary. But the bits and the pixels have always been safe, they have always been my friend and they have established themselves and reliable sources to turn to when things hurt. So I turn to them.
Yes. I did equate deleting a character to killing a friend and that's something I'm going to be meditating about and using as an opportunity to learn more about myself and why I have the fears and beliefs that I do and I am grateful for what I have learned and grateful that recovery is a life time process and I don't have to give up all my attachments today.
Monday, July 18, 2016
Competition
I work in a department that is full of women. At this moment I'm feeling incredibly sad at the amount of talent that is wasted on competition between women. Like it or not women need to help each other and be there for each other but when everyone is on guard all the time there is no chance for that to happen.
I have a teenage part of me that wants so badly to scream and yell at people in the office that the things that they are so worried about are not actually that important. The things that are important will float to the top and make themselves known. The more work you do the more work that is done the more work will be given. When there is constant rescuing people from themselves.they never learn their lessons.
Then I wonder, could the same thing be said about me? Am I rescued by the men in my life or am I being held up by some invisible force that has a bigger plan for me? Fuck I don't know I don't know anything but I'm going to deal with this moment, this day and not try and worry about the rest of it.
I have a teenage part of me that wants so badly to scream and yell at people in the office that the things that they are so worried about are not actually that important. The things that are important will float to the top and make themselves known. The more work you do the more work that is done the more work will be given. When there is constant rescuing people from themselves.they never learn their lessons.
Then I wonder, could the same thing be said about me? Am I rescued by the men in my life or am I being held up by some invisible force that has a bigger plan for me? Fuck I don't know I don't know anything but I'm going to deal with this moment, this day and not try and worry about the rest of it.
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Letting the loving Parent have a voice
In ACA there is a concept of an inner loving parent. The idea of allowing that inner loving parent to have a say was scary. Actually that wasn't so scary but was scary was not listening to the inner critical parent. The critical parent is the one that drove me to do all the things that helped me survive. Of course the "survival" also meant pushing myself to extremes in work, studies, exercise and many other areas of life.
When I finally stopped listening to the critical parent and started listening to the inner children and loving parent there was part of of me that was terrified. I was terrified that I was going to turn into a lazy slob that I would never have any ambition and I would end up living in my car.
So far none of that has happened. What does happen is that I feel a lot more internal peace and I get to be gentle with myself. I'm no longer driven to be the high powered person I thought I was supposed to be. I am no longer driven to push myself to run 5 miles a day. I don't actually work very hard at things right now. I know that this is a phase and that nothing is permanent and I'm starting to see a little bit more pushing. But it's still gentle and it's with internal trust.
One thing that helped me to trust and let go was remembering that sometimes there are extreme swings in order to find equilibrium. Sometimes it takes going from one extreme to the other to figure out where the middle is and to find balance.
Writing this blog is a balance. My inner child really wants to finish watching the Matrix. But I've learned that when I put off until tomorrow an idea that I want to write about then the idea doesn't go anywhere. So, I'm writing this post quickly because I made a deal with my inner child that we would watch the rest of the movie tonight. It's not perfect it's actually written quite quickly and probably has a lot of mistakes but I know that I'm at least getting something across and that's what I want to do.
When I finally stopped listening to the critical parent and started listening to the inner children and loving parent there was part of of me that was terrified. I was terrified that I was going to turn into a lazy slob that I would never have any ambition and I would end up living in my car.
So far none of that has happened. What does happen is that I feel a lot more internal peace and I get to be gentle with myself. I'm no longer driven to be the high powered person I thought I was supposed to be. I am no longer driven to push myself to run 5 miles a day. I don't actually work very hard at things right now. I know that this is a phase and that nothing is permanent and I'm starting to see a little bit more pushing. But it's still gentle and it's with internal trust.
One thing that helped me to trust and let go was remembering that sometimes there are extreme swings in order to find equilibrium. Sometimes it takes going from one extreme to the other to figure out where the middle is and to find balance.
Writing this blog is a balance. My inner child really wants to finish watching the Matrix. But I've learned that when I put off until tomorrow an idea that I want to write about then the idea doesn't go anywhere. So, I'm writing this post quickly because I made a deal with my inner child that we would watch the rest of the movie tonight. It's not perfect it's actually written quite quickly and probably has a lot of mistakes but I know that I'm at least getting something across and that's what I want to do.
Friday, May 6, 2016
Releasing emotional pain from the physical body
If someone had told me 3 years ago that I would be dealing with physical pain through meditation I probably would have thought that they were crazy. Today I know without a doubt that a lot of the emotional pain I've experience in my life is stored in my body and through meditation and conscious awareness I am able to release that pain.
This is an ongoing process I have pain in my lower back that seems like a never ending fountain of pain that get's released.
Last night I listened to a 10 minute mindfulness of change meditation which got me focused on my breath and noticing the changes in the sensation of breathing. Earlier in the evening I had been reading Burning Desire a 12 step and Buddhism book. The section of the book I was reading talked about observing pain instead of trying to push it away.
So with my mindfulness of change and aware of pushing away my pain I looked to my lower back. After first I could feel my instinctual feeling to pull away or push away the pain and run away from it. After noticing the habitual pattern of recoiling from the pain I breathed into it and the pain no longer felt painful and so for a few moments I just observed the sensation.
As is normally the case when I am able to observe pain without resistance it started to move. The pain moved it's way up my back at times it would pause and the strong instinct to push it away would kick in and then it would get painful again. After relaxing into the pain again it would move.
When the sensation reached my shoulders it started to feel extremely uncomfortable. It wasn't painful but it was the sensation that I needed to move. The agitated feeling in body almost felt overwhelming and I really wanted to move. But with patience and gentleness I reminded myself of impermanence and this too shall pass and I attempted to relax into the sensation.
Eventually the agitation passed and the feeling moved into my face. When the sensation moves into my face I've noticed that part of me has a tendency to get impatient and want to rush the process because it knows what's coming. But when I rush the feeling dissipates and the opportunity to release is let go.
When the release finally came it was tears and silence screams. This might sound awful but the reality is that it is very cathartic. Only one word came into my head as I cried and silently screamed and let my feelings be that word was 'Mommy'. I don't know what that means but I know now that I get to be mommy to the various little scared parts of me.
Getting to the point of being able to process emotional pain in my physical body did not happen overnight. This is a process that has taken time and it takes a lot of patience and self-love. I wish anyone who finds this blessings on their journey and feel free to contact me if you have questions. I may or may not be able to answer them but I will try.
This is an ongoing process I have pain in my lower back that seems like a never ending fountain of pain that get's released.
Last night I listened to a 10 minute mindfulness of change meditation which got me focused on my breath and noticing the changes in the sensation of breathing. Earlier in the evening I had been reading Burning Desire a 12 step and Buddhism book. The section of the book I was reading talked about observing pain instead of trying to push it away.
So with my mindfulness of change and aware of pushing away my pain I looked to my lower back. After first I could feel my instinctual feeling to pull away or push away the pain and run away from it. After noticing the habitual pattern of recoiling from the pain I breathed into it and the pain no longer felt painful and so for a few moments I just observed the sensation.
As is normally the case when I am able to observe pain without resistance it started to move. The pain moved it's way up my back at times it would pause and the strong instinct to push it away would kick in and then it would get painful again. After relaxing into the pain again it would move.
When the sensation reached my shoulders it started to feel extremely uncomfortable. It wasn't painful but it was the sensation that I needed to move. The agitated feeling in body almost felt overwhelming and I really wanted to move. But with patience and gentleness I reminded myself of impermanence and this too shall pass and I attempted to relax into the sensation.
Eventually the agitation passed and the feeling moved into my face. When the sensation moves into my face I've noticed that part of me has a tendency to get impatient and want to rush the process because it knows what's coming. But when I rush the feeling dissipates and the opportunity to release is let go.
When the release finally came it was tears and silence screams. This might sound awful but the reality is that it is very cathartic. Only one word came into my head as I cried and silently screamed and let my feelings be that word was 'Mommy'. I don't know what that means but I know now that I get to be mommy to the various little scared parts of me.
Getting to the point of being able to process emotional pain in my physical body did not happen overnight. This is a process that has taken time and it takes a lot of patience and self-love. I wish anyone who finds this blessings on their journey and feel free to contact me if you have questions. I may or may not be able to answer them but I will try.
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
IFS
IFS stands for Internal Family Systems. IFS is a type of therapy based on the premise that everyone has different parts inside them that exist like a family. In people who have dealt with trauma or PTSD may be dealing with a dysfunctional family.
I have been working with an IFS therapist for about 9 months now and it has made a big difference in my healing.
Today was a break through day as I was able to connect with a part of me that has been "frozen" for almost 30 years. On the surface it seems like a small memory, but of course I have a tendency to minimize most of my experiences. When I was 8 my older brother was in a play at school. After the show the family wanted me to go down to give him flowers. It's possible I wanted to do it. But I remember being really afraid and so I didn't make it all the way down to give him the flowers. When I got back to my family I remember my big sister being angry at me and I felt ashamed for being scared. That little girl version of me has been stuck in that place of wanting to make people happy and being so scared for most of my life.
Today with the help of my therapist I was able to help that little girl present her brother with flowers and conquer her fear. I cried a lot during the therapy session, it was as though this little girl had been frozen in time for so long. To "rescue" her I imagined sitting in the seats a few rows ahead of her and as she moved down the risers so did I giving her an encouraging smile until her big brother saw and gave her an encouraging smile.
It seems like there is a lot more to say and yet that's all I have for now and I'm going to be ok with that. It was beautiful to be able to help that little girl and I can feel a little more space has opened up inside.
I am grateful to be on this healing journey and have a lot of wonderful people around me to help me move through this. Even though my mind tries to convince me that I am all alone the reality is that I have an amazing group of people helping me on this journey and my Higher Power has always given me exactly the help I needed to accomplish the next step on my journey.
I have been working with an IFS therapist for about 9 months now and it has made a big difference in my healing.
Today was a break through day as I was able to connect with a part of me that has been "frozen" for almost 30 years. On the surface it seems like a small memory, but of course I have a tendency to minimize most of my experiences. When I was 8 my older brother was in a play at school. After the show the family wanted me to go down to give him flowers. It's possible I wanted to do it. But I remember being really afraid and so I didn't make it all the way down to give him the flowers. When I got back to my family I remember my big sister being angry at me and I felt ashamed for being scared. That little girl version of me has been stuck in that place of wanting to make people happy and being so scared for most of my life.
Today with the help of my therapist I was able to help that little girl present her brother with flowers and conquer her fear. I cried a lot during the therapy session, it was as though this little girl had been frozen in time for so long. To "rescue" her I imagined sitting in the seats a few rows ahead of her and as she moved down the risers so did I giving her an encouraging smile until her big brother saw and gave her an encouraging smile.
It seems like there is a lot more to say and yet that's all I have for now and I'm going to be ok with that. It was beautiful to be able to help that little girl and I can feel a little more space has opened up inside.
I am grateful to be on this healing journey and have a lot of wonderful people around me to help me move through this. Even though my mind tries to convince me that I am all alone the reality is that I have an amazing group of people helping me on this journey and my Higher Power has always given me exactly the help I needed to accomplish the next step on my journey.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Stomach Problems
I'm hoping by the time I finish writing this post that I am able to come up with a better title than stomach problems but for now it works.
For the last couple of months I have been dealing with stomach issues/cramps/lower back pain. That isn't very sexy but it's the reality of where I'm at. I think there are one of three things going on or some combination of all 3.
1) There is something physiological going on that is causing the pain.
2) There is some emotional-spiritual something that I haven't addressed
3) I need to change my diet.
The idea that this is something that is emotional-spiritual is not a completely new idea to me but it's something I've only started considering in the last few years. I know that when I focus on relaxing my body that my body calms down it's just at this moment it's not practical for me to stay focused on keeping myself relaxed 24/7. It seems similar to where I was with the toxic thoughts 8 months ago.
I'm going to pray for the willingness to change my diet I'm going to practice mindfullness and I'm going to meditate on my pain and breath into it and see what happens.
For the last couple of months I have been dealing with stomach issues/cramps/lower back pain. That isn't very sexy but it's the reality of where I'm at. I think there are one of three things going on or some combination of all 3.
1) There is something physiological going on that is causing the pain.
2) There is some emotional-spiritual something that I haven't addressed
3) I need to change my diet.
The idea that this is something that is emotional-spiritual is not a completely new idea to me but it's something I've only started considering in the last few years. I know that when I focus on relaxing my body that my body calms down it's just at this moment it's not practical for me to stay focused on keeping myself relaxed 24/7. It seems similar to where I was with the toxic thoughts 8 months ago.
I'm going to pray for the willingness to change my diet I'm going to practice mindfullness and I'm going to meditate on my pain and breath into it and see what happens.
Friday, April 22, 2016
Writing
I want to write more, but I'm afraid. The writing that I do is stream of consciousness, whatever comes to my mind. If I don't write I won't learn to face the fear of writing. I want to share my experiences about relationships, neurofeedback, recovery, meditation and everything else. My mind tells me that to share publicly means that I'm just looking for attention and that I don't have anything to offer but I know that isn't true.
I have gone through hell and back and I am on the other side and at this moment life feels ok. Relationships and learning to live in them and with people and be part of the world is difficult. Setting boundaries, honoring my true self, honoring my inner child all confusing things to do and try and I want to share them. Bleh I feel vulnerable writing this and sharing this. But here it is I'm going to try again.
There is that part of me that thinks that I have to have this all figured out and know how to do it write that making mistakes is not acceptable. I've got a better relationship with that part of myself today but it's still hard sometimes to make decisions over the objections. I'm going to make small tries and attempts and see how it goes.
I have gone through hell and back and I am on the other side and at this moment life feels ok. Relationships and learning to live in them and with people and be part of the world is difficult. Setting boundaries, honoring my true self, honoring my inner child all confusing things to do and try and I want to share them. Bleh I feel vulnerable writing this and sharing this. But here it is I'm going to try again.
There is that part of me that thinks that I have to have this all figured out and know how to do it write that making mistakes is not acceptable. I've got a better relationship with that part of myself today but it's still hard sometimes to make decisions over the objections. I'm going to make small tries and attempts and see how it goes.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Telling My Story
Today I had the opportunity to tell my story to a group of women. My story being what has recovery been like for me and how I got to where I am today.
I enjoy getting up and talking in front of others. I like being able to share my experience but today I found myself changing my story to illicit the particular reaction that I wanted from my audience. As I was speaking I was quickly making judgements about what I thought my audience was thinking and changed my story to fit what I thought they wanted so it was no longer totally my story or speaking my truth.
After I told my story I had the opportunity to hear the women who were listening share some of their story. It shouldn't surprise me that I was completely wrong about my assumptions about the women I was talking to. I should know by now that the story that I tell should be my story because there is no judgement about it when it comes to recovery.
I enjoy getting up and talking in front of others. I like being able to share my experience but today I found myself changing my story to illicit the particular reaction that I wanted from my audience. As I was speaking I was quickly making judgements about what I thought my audience was thinking and changed my story to fit what I thought they wanted so it was no longer totally my story or speaking my truth.
After I told my story I had the opportunity to hear the women who were listening share some of their story. It shouldn't surprise me that I was completely wrong about my assumptions about the women I was talking to. I should know by now that the story that I tell should be my story because there is no judgement about it when it comes to recovery.
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Why Blog?
I keep wanting to blog and yet I suffer from the belief that I have nothing to offer. I want to write and yet I think I have nothing worthwhile to write about. What I do have is my life experience.
The process in the last couple of years of getting to know the real me vs the me I think that I thought I was. This is a process of learning to have compassion not only for me as I am but for that little girl inside me that I have ignored for so long. This is a process of slowing down and remembering that I am enough exactly as I am and I will be ok.
There is a deep desire in me to write and to share stories and yet a fear that I will do it wrong. So I am going to start doing it today and practice because the only way to get better at something is to practice so here I am telling my story.
I feel numb a lot of the time when I think I should be feeling things like love. Could it be that I subconsciously shut myself off from my emotions because I am scared of how big they are? I dunno if that's accurate and I guess it doesn't matter. What I've learned is that I have to accept whatever it is that I am feeling in this moment.
The process in the last couple of years of getting to know the real me vs the me I think that I thought I was. This is a process of learning to have compassion not only for me as I am but for that little girl inside me that I have ignored for so long. This is a process of slowing down and remembering that I am enough exactly as I am and I will be ok.
There is a deep desire in me to write and to share stories and yet a fear that I will do it wrong. So I am going to start doing it today and practice because the only way to get better at something is to practice so here I am telling my story.
I feel numb a lot of the time when I think I should be feeling things like love. Could it be that I subconsciously shut myself off from my emotions because I am scared of how big they are? I dunno if that's accurate and I guess it doesn't matter. What I've learned is that I have to accept whatever it is that I am feeling in this moment.
Monday, November 9, 2015
Neurofeedback
So last week I did my first neurofeedback session and I had a couple of good days and now I'm feeling funky again today. Don't know what it means trying not to put too much meaning too it and just let it be. I hope some day I can balance my need for analysis with my need for serenity and peace. I want to help people and I hope that through my experiences I am able to do that.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
A tiny bit of space
So the last 2 months have been very dramatic. I spent 10 days in the BHU (Behavioral Health Unit) and 3 weeks in PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program). I am back on a medication that I have been on before I've tried medications that didn't work again and they still didn't work and yet I'm still here.
There are still moments of suicidal thoughts there are a lot of moments when it feels like my mind wants me to be in a constant state of misery or dead. Yet I still put one foot on front of the other and move forward it's not the progress that I want and I have moments when I beat myself up unmercifully but I'm learning to stop fighting myself.
A friend told me recently that you can't hate away the parts of yourself you don't like you can only love them away. I can't make something go away until I accept that it is a part of me. There are so many parts of me that I wish that were different and so many ways that I wish things were different. However, I'm learning to trust the people around me who tell me that this too shall pass and there is a purpose to all things. I don't want to trust that things are happening I want things to be different then they are. But all I can do is put 1 foot in front of the other and trust that what I need to know is being worked out in me and I can't make it happen any faster all I can do is figure out ways to distract myself until more information is revealed.
There are still moments of suicidal thoughts there are a lot of moments when it feels like my mind wants me to be in a constant state of misery or dead. Yet I still put one foot on front of the other and move forward it's not the progress that I want and I have moments when I beat myself up unmercifully but I'm learning to stop fighting myself.
A friend told me recently that you can't hate away the parts of yourself you don't like you can only love them away. I can't make something go away until I accept that it is a part of me. There are so many parts of me that I wish that were different and so many ways that I wish things were different. However, I'm learning to trust the people around me who tell me that this too shall pass and there is a purpose to all things. I don't want to trust that things are happening I want things to be different then they are. But all I can do is put 1 foot in front of the other and trust that what I need to know is being worked out in me and I can't make it happen any faster all I can do is figure out ways to distract myself until more information is revealed.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Survival Mode
It feels like the last year of my life has been spent in survival mode. Operating with the bear minimum of mental and emotional resources. The feeling of having absolutely zero space to tolerate anything stressful. Zero space to actually process anything.
This last year has been about recovery and yet I feel as though I've made no forward progress. I know that isn't true, I know that I've learned a lot about myself and I've learned a lot about why I do the things I do.
Living with depression is like living in a bubble. You know that you are surrounded by love and people who love you and yet none of those feelings penetrate the clear wall that surrounds you at all times.
Feeling scared all the time is hard. Feeling as though you're living in a world that has no safety. I wake up every day between 2-4 am and from that time until around 11 am I feel as though there is a vice grip on my heart. After the vice grip leaves I am left feeling numb.
I want to say so much more and yet that's all I can say right now.
This last year has been about recovery and yet I feel as though I've made no forward progress. I know that isn't true, I know that I've learned a lot about myself and I've learned a lot about why I do the things I do.
Living with depression is like living in a bubble. You know that you are surrounded by love and people who love you and yet none of those feelings penetrate the clear wall that surrounds you at all times.
Feeling scared all the time is hard. Feeling as though you're living in a world that has no safety. I wake up every day between 2-4 am and from that time until around 11 am I feel as though there is a vice grip on my heart. After the vice grip leaves I am left feeling numb.
I want to say so much more and yet that's all I can say right now.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Well I gave it a shot
Well my first attempt at starting medication was a bit rough and now I'm having to go back to the drawing board. But this experience has not been without it's lessons.
One of the main things I have learned is that I definitely need help from western medicine. There is a part of me that really wants the answer to be a spiritual problem that I can meditate away and clean my karma and rescue my inner children and I'll be free of this soul sickness. In the long run that may prove to be true, but for now I need help.
My experience with Lamictal was pretty rough. The first week was ok in fact I felt a bit of relief from the soul sadness but after increasing the dose to 50mg I found the side effects of psychomotor agitation too much to handle. After speaking with my doctor it was decided that I would cease taking the medication.
It took a few days for the medication to get completely out of my system and that experience was quite unpleasant. Many who deal with bipolar have to deal with something called a "mixed state" this is when there are both manic and depressive symptoms occurring at the same time. A side effect of a mixed state is psychomotor agitation. Psychomotor Agitation is probably one of the most unpleasant things I have ever experienced it feels like bugs crawling under your skin and you can't sit still and it feels like the most awful thing in the world.
I go back to the doctor this week to try again with a different medication. Who knows what will happen but it's definitely a journey.
One of the main things I have learned is that I definitely need help from western medicine. There is a part of me that really wants the answer to be a spiritual problem that I can meditate away and clean my karma and rescue my inner children and I'll be free of this soul sickness. In the long run that may prove to be true, but for now I need help.
My experience with Lamictal was pretty rough. The first week was ok in fact I felt a bit of relief from the soul sadness but after increasing the dose to 50mg I found the side effects of psychomotor agitation too much to handle. After speaking with my doctor it was decided that I would cease taking the medication.
It took a few days for the medication to get completely out of my system and that experience was quite unpleasant. Many who deal with bipolar have to deal with something called a "mixed state" this is when there are both manic and depressive symptoms occurring at the same time. A side effect of a mixed state is psychomotor agitation. Psychomotor Agitation is probably one of the most unpleasant things I have ever experienced it feels like bugs crawling under your skin and you can't sit still and it feels like the most awful thing in the world.
I go back to the doctor this week to try again with a different medication. Who knows what will happen but it's definitely a journey.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Day 2 - A Little Space
I started to feel a difference yesterday. At first it was a feeling of agitation and anxiety and fear that I had made a mistake starting medication and thoughts that I wouldn't take it a 2nd day. Then the agitation migrated into a feeling of energy, an energy and excitement that I haven't felt for a long time.
As the evening continued I could definitely tell a difference, the feelings were still there but the feeling of complete and total terror were gone. I wish I knew the words to describe the fear and pain that I have experienced in the last few months. A searing pain that was soul deep and felt as though I would blow apart at any moment.
I know that medication is only a temporary band-aid, temporary relief to help me move through all the pain that I need to process.
The space that I'm feeling is allowing me to open my mind a little more. No longer do I feel as though I will die when my mind ventures down certain paths. At least for today I can pass some of the hallways of my mind without wanting to crawl in a hole somewhere and die. A bit dramatic I know but it's where I've been.
Ultimately I realize that these are all just stories that my mind is telling me and none of it is actually real. For now these are the stories I have and hopefully by sharing them someone else may find comfort that they are not entirely alone on their spiritual journey. Of course we are all connected and yet each souls journey is their own to travel but some of share similar experiences.
As the evening continued I could definitely tell a difference, the feelings were still there but the feeling of complete and total terror were gone. I wish I knew the words to describe the fear and pain that I have experienced in the last few months. A searing pain that was soul deep and felt as though I would blow apart at any moment.
I know that medication is only a temporary band-aid, temporary relief to help me move through all the pain that I need to process.
The space that I'm feeling is allowing me to open my mind a little more. No longer do I feel as though I will die when my mind ventures down certain paths. At least for today I can pass some of the hallways of my mind without wanting to crawl in a hole somewhere and die. A bit dramatic I know but it's where I've been.
Ultimately I realize that these are all just stories that my mind is telling me and none of it is actually real. For now these are the stories I have and hopefully by sharing them someone else may find comfort that they are not entirely alone on their spiritual journey. Of course we are all connected and yet each souls journey is their own to travel but some of share similar experiences.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Day 1
"Suffering is resistance to this present moment. Pain in life is a guaranteed experience. Suffering is an optional experience." ~Nobodysnotes.com
This morning I start a new phase of my journey. I took my first dose of Lamotrigine, a mood stabilizing medication, after more than a year of taking no Psychoactive substances including psychiatric medication.
My relationship to this change is an interesting one. I have spent most of the last year maintaining the idea that the years I spent on psychiatric medications and going to different doctors had been "a search for a medical solution to a spiritual problem". By that I mean that the spiritual awakening I have been on for the last year or more must be the answer to why I had been so miserable for long. Alas that is yet again my need for control and certainty coming to the forefront and attempting to assert itself.
As I choose to go back on medication this thoughts of failure of "not being spiritual enough" or not working hard enough are coming into my head. Tears flowed as I thought of those feelings of failure. To ease my suffering I looked through some of the spirituality tabs I had open hoping to find someone else experiencing my feelings. What I found was this question about ones relationship to suffering and the response which starts with "Suffering is resistance to this present moment. Pain in life is a guaranteed experience. Suffering is an optional experience. It is never the experience itself that makes you suffer. It is believing the thoughts about the experience that makes you suffer" and for the first time I understood.
Depression is something I have battled my whole life. I use the word battled because it isn't until this moment that I realize that a significant source of the suffering of my life has been this fight against something that is a part of me. Depression and mood swings are my dark companion, my shadow they are as much a part of who I am as my brown hair and brown eyes. I have spent a significant portion of my life trying to eradicate my dark passenger and find a guarantee and a stability that would ensure I had a solid foundation on which to live my life. I'm a bit on the stubborn side sometimes and resist ideas like impermanence.
I no longer wish to eradicate my dark passenger but I do accept that she is there and I accept she is a part of my life. I also accept that there is enough suffering in life and there is no need for additional suffering. So I start this next phase of my journey with a new relationship with myself and a desire to find just a little stability in this crazy world of mine.
I wish to honor my spirit on this journey and share it in the event that it helps someone else.
I wish to honor my spirit on this journey and share it in the event that it helps someone else.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
1 Year Later
On May 17th 2014 I started a journey that altered who I am to my very core. On that day I stopped all substances that changed my mental state (well almost all, I still haven't given up sugar). That means no alcohol, no pot and I also stopped taking all the Psychiatric medications that I've taken on and off since I was 16. This is my journey and my path and not necessarily something I would recommend for anyone else. But this is my truth and I feel like it's finally time to start sharing.
What I have experienced in the last year has taken me to depths of pain and despair I didn't know were possible. Yet on days like today I have hope for the future and I can see how far I've come.
Psychiatric medications and specifically the ADHD medication Dexadrine provided a buffer between the painful events of my life and my emotions so I did not experience the full pain extent of the pain I was enduring. I came across a quote recently that describes perfectly how I feel.
"It has been hard work to delve into the messiness of my mind, confront my post-traumatic stress and untangle my emotions. I am grateful that I've had the chance to do so. My body and mind [and spirit] are healing. Pain levels are abating and fatigue, although still an issue, is no longer completely debilitating" ~Kimberly Jaleh
The body is an amazing vessel and even if we don't consciously remember something the mind and the body do. When given the opportunity to share a repressed story the mind and body will flood your consciousness with all the pain you never wanted to deal with and all of sudden you have no choice but to confront the reality of who you really are.
I don't think I'm quite ready to delve into the details of the messiness of my mind but perhaps that will unfold with time. I'll leave that up to my Higher Power the one that has helped me survive the last year. I am learning one day at a time to trust that I have all the information I need at this moment to do what I need in this moment and when I am ready for more, more will be revealed.
One question that has come up many times this year is whether I will stay off of medication and that question is definitely still up in the air. There are some days that the pain and fear are so overwhelming I want to crawl in a hole and never come out again. And yet I have people in my life who help me face each day, each hour, each moment and give me the courage to say I can do this. To all of you I love you and I am truly blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for this year.
What I have experienced in the last year has taken me to depths of pain and despair I didn't know were possible. Yet on days like today I have hope for the future and I can see how far I've come.
Psychiatric medications and specifically the ADHD medication Dexadrine provided a buffer between the painful events of my life and my emotions so I did not experience the full pain extent of the pain I was enduring. I came across a quote recently that describes perfectly how I feel.
"It has been hard work to delve into the messiness of my mind, confront my post-traumatic stress and untangle my emotions. I am grateful that I've had the chance to do so. My body and mind [and spirit] are healing. Pain levels are abating and fatigue, although still an issue, is no longer completely debilitating" ~Kimberly Jaleh
The body is an amazing vessel and even if we don't consciously remember something the mind and the body do. When given the opportunity to share a repressed story the mind and body will flood your consciousness with all the pain you never wanted to deal with and all of sudden you have no choice but to confront the reality of who you really are.
I don't think I'm quite ready to delve into the details of the messiness of my mind but perhaps that will unfold with time. I'll leave that up to my Higher Power the one that has helped me survive the last year. I am learning one day at a time to trust that I have all the information I need at this moment to do what I need in this moment and when I am ready for more, more will be revealed.
One question that has come up many times this year is whether I will stay off of medication and that question is definitely still up in the air. There are some days that the pain and fear are so overwhelming I want to crawl in a hole and never come out again. And yet I have people in my life who help me face each day, each hour, each moment and give me the courage to say I can do this. To all of you I love you and I am truly blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for this year.
Friday, May 15, 2015
Vulnerability
Right now I feel so incredibly vulnerable as though if someone looks at me the wrong way I will fall apart and my world will shatter into a million pieces. Perhaps that's what I need. At the same time things are so fragile that I'm afraid that if I shatter into a million pieces there will be no way to put me back together again. I can't let anyone close right now because if I let anyone close they could pull that pin that is holding me so tenuously together and I will fly apart to never be put back together again.
He has the power to destroy me right now and that isn't good. I wish I knew what to do to get myself to that place where I could withstand the verbal jabs and the heartache but I'm not there. I have to protect myself from the hurtful words and the possible rejection because the rejection hurts so badly it makes it impossible to breathe.
On my spiritual path you have to let go of attachment and I am so aware of my attachment right now and how much it hurts. The spiritual teachers all say all you have to do is let go and yet that feels absolutely and completely impossible right now. I know at some point in the future I will look back and not understand why it was so hard but right now it seems absolutely impossible to let go. The emotional pain is so strong and so overwhelming that it feels like I have no choice but to hold on or at least only let go in small bites. Every day I let go a little more and work a little more at how I feel about letting things go.
The ego is such a frustrating concept, mine is holding on so tightly to certain ideas as though it is completely and totally preserving life. My life will continue but the question is can I get past those parts of my ego that want to be annihilated? I don't know but for today I will focus on accepting where I'm at and be ok with that even if my mind wants to be so much farther than I am. I accept that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in this moment. Wait a minute and that may change but at this moment I am in acceptance of everything as it. Or at least I think I am.
He has the power to destroy me right now and that isn't good. I wish I knew what to do to get myself to that place where I could withstand the verbal jabs and the heartache but I'm not there. I have to protect myself from the hurtful words and the possible rejection because the rejection hurts so badly it makes it impossible to breathe.
On my spiritual path you have to let go of attachment and I am so aware of my attachment right now and how much it hurts. The spiritual teachers all say all you have to do is let go and yet that feels absolutely and completely impossible right now. I know at some point in the future I will look back and not understand why it was so hard but right now it seems absolutely impossible to let go. The emotional pain is so strong and so overwhelming that it feels like I have no choice but to hold on or at least only let go in small bites. Every day I let go a little more and work a little more at how I feel about letting things go.
The ego is such a frustrating concept, mine is holding on so tightly to certain ideas as though it is completely and totally preserving life. My life will continue but the question is can I get past those parts of my ego that want to be annihilated? I don't know but for today I will focus on accepting where I'm at and be ok with that even if my mind wants to be so much farther than I am. I accept that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in this moment. Wait a minute and that may change but at this moment I am in acceptance of everything as it. Or at least I think I am.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Love Hurts
No matter how you slice it ending a relationship is painful. The brain interprets emotional pain in the same way it interprets physical pain and when your heart is broken it can feel like you're dying.
But the reality is that all things rise and pass away and just because something or someone is leaving your life for now no one can predict the future and you have no idea what will happen tomorrow.
All I can do is focus on this day, this hour, just this moment and breathe through the hurt that feels like it will break me a part. I know that I am will survive I know that I will grow and I know that I will always have love in my heart for those that are no longer in my life.
But the reality is that all things rise and pass away and just because something or someone is leaving your life for now no one can predict the future and you have no idea what will happen tomorrow.
All I can do is focus on this day, this hour, just this moment and breathe through the hurt that feels like it will break me a part. I know that I am will survive I know that I will grow and I know that I will always have love in my heart for those that are no longer in my life.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
The curse of an analytical mind
As an engineer I can be very analytical, this can be a really good thing when it comes to work, but it can be a real liability when it comes to my emotional and mental health. Because I have a tendency to thnk I can solve anything, including me and this thing called life.
Right now my job is to learn to live with discomfort and quiet my mind when there is nothing to solve. That's a tall order for someone who thought that she could cure depression at one point, I never said I was modest or thought to little of myself.
The last few days have been hard. Yesterday I opened one of my daily reading books and a notecard fell out on which I wrote "only God can heal you" which is true when it comes to obsessions of the mind. I can't think my way out of an obsession of the mind. All I can do is practice at calming my mind. I have brief moments of living on the mone and I'm sure as I practice more it will get easier, for now it's just a matter of practice, practice, practice. Sometimes that involves keeping my mind completely quiet and sometimes that involves remind myself of my assets and reminding myself that God is always with me. Either way it's about not letting the thoughts that I have allowed run my life for far too long continue doing that.
Right now this very moment it feels like I'm succeeding. But I know that surrender is in there somewhere and I'm not completely surrendering, but I will and for now I am willing to surrender and that's all I can ask of my simple human existence.
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