Vulnerability

Right now I feel so incredibly vulnerable as though if someone looks at me the wrong way I will fall apart and my world will shatter into a million pieces.  Perhaps that's what I need.  At the same time things are so fragile that I'm afraid that if I shatter into a million pieces there will be no way to put me back together again.  I can't let anyone close right now because if I let anyone close they could pull that pin that is holding me so tenuously together and I will fly apart to never be put back together again.

He has the power to destroy me right now and that isn't good.  I wish I knew what to do to get myself to that place where I could withstand the verbal jabs and the heartache but I'm not there.  I have to protect myself from the hurtful words and the possible rejection because the rejection hurts so badly it makes it impossible to breathe.

On my spiritual path you have to let go of attachment and I am so aware of my attachment right now and how much it hurts.  The spiritual teachers all say all you have to do is let go and yet that feels absolutely and completely impossible right now.  I know at some point in the future I will look back and not understand why it was so hard but right now it seems absolutely impossible to let go.  The emotional pain is so strong and so overwhelming that it feels like I have no choice but to hold on or at least only let go in small bites.  Every day I let go a little more and work a little more at how I feel about letting things go.

The ego is such a frustrating concept, mine is holding on so tightly to certain ideas as though it is completely and totally preserving life.  My life will continue but the question is can I get past those parts of my ego that want to be annihilated?  I don't know but for today I will focus on accepting where I'm at and be ok with that even if my mind wants to be so much farther than I am.  I accept that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in this moment.  Wait a minute and that may change but at this moment I am in acceptance of everything as it.  Or at least I think I am.