It feels like the last year of my life has been spent in survival mode. Operating with the bear minimum of mental and emotional resources. The feeling of having absolutely zero space to tolerate anything stressful. Zero space to actually process anything.
This last year has been about recovery and yet I feel as though I've made no forward progress. I know that isn't true, I know that I've learned a lot about myself and I've learned a lot about why I do the things I do.
Living with depression is like living in a bubble. You know that you are surrounded by love and people who love you and yet none of those feelings penetrate the clear wall that surrounds you at all times.
Feeling scared all the time is hard. Feeling as though you're living in a world that has no safety. I wake up every day between 2-4 am and from that time until around 11 am I feel as though there is a vice grip on my heart. After the vice grip leaves I am left feeling numb.
I want to say so much more and yet that's all I can say right now.
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