A tiny bit of space

So the last 2 months have been very dramatic.  I spent 10 days in the BHU (Behavioral Health Unit) and 3 weeks in PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program).  I am back on a medication that I have been on before I've tried medications that didn't work again and they still didn't work and yet I'm still here.

There are still moments of suicidal thoughts there are a lot of moments when it feels like my mind wants me to be in a constant state of misery or dead.   Yet I still put one foot on front of the other and move forward it's not the progress that I want and I have moments when I beat myself up unmercifully but I'm learning to stop fighting myself.

A friend told me recently that you can't hate away the parts of yourself you don't like you can only love them away.  I can't make something go away until I accept that it is a part of me.  There are so many parts of me that I wish that were different and so many ways that I wish things were different.  However, I'm learning to trust the people around me who tell me that this too shall pass and there is a purpose to all things.  I don't want to trust that things are happening I want things to be different then they are.   But all I can do is put 1 foot in front of the other and trust that what I need to know is being worked out in me and I can't make it happen any faster all I can do is figure out ways to distract myself until more information is revealed.

Trapped under water

I was a water baby growing up, as a got older I spent every moment I could in the water. There was something about the feel of diving under the water and swimming as far as my breath could carry me before popping up and gasping for air feeling like I almost drown, that made me feel free and alive.

Under water there was no one judging me, I didn't have to think about the right things to say or how to answer I just got to be alone with my thoughts.  I was lucky enough to spend part of my childhood living on the water, so that meant I could spend all day every day in the water during the summer.

I don't remember how old I was the first time I felt like I almost drown.   This was different then when I swam by myself, it was at a party and I remember feeling like I was sure that I was going to die.  

At parties we always brought out this inflatable toy called a fun island, it was 5 ft diameter circle with ropes around the edge to help you climb up.  The other kids and I would take this raft out in the water and climb up On it and see who could push who off first and be king/queen of the island.

One time I don't know how it happened but I got trapped underneath the island.  The problem was that the island wasn't anchored so it was moving and I got disoriented and couldn't figure out which was to go so that I wasn't swimming with the island.  I remember feeling extremely panicked, I was sure that I was going to die.  The next memory I have is of coming up for air and gasping and trying to figure out what had happened and seeing that no one else even noticed that I had been trapped under there. 

I was in the water but I think I remember crying and getting myself out of the water.  I went to my dad very upset and I remember him giving me a squeeze and saying "well, just stop and swim the opposite direction next time".  

Writing this I'm realizing that this event may be a big reason why I'm scared of scuba diving.  I never really liked the idea of having a limited amount of oxygen.  Maybe I'll need to tackle that fear some day soon, that would be a fun vacation.