Writing

I want to write more, but I'm afraid.  The writing that I do is stream of consciousness, whatever comes to my mind.  If I don't write I won't learn to face the fear of writing.  I want to share my experiences about relationships, neurofeedback, recovery, meditation and everything else.  My mind tells me that to share publicly means that I'm just looking for attention and that I don't have anything to offer but I know that isn't true.

I have gone through hell and back and I am on the other side and at this moment life feels ok.  Relationships and learning to live in them and with people and be part of the world is difficult.  Setting boundaries, honoring my true self, honoring my inner child all confusing things to do and try and I want to share them.  Bleh I feel vulnerable writing this and sharing this.  But here it is I'm going to try again.

There is that part of me that thinks that I have to have this all figured out and know how to do it write that making mistakes is not acceptable.  I've got a better relationship with that part of myself today but it's still hard sometimes to make decisions over the objections.  I'm going to make small tries and attempts and see how it goes.

Telling My Story

Today I had the opportunity to tell my story to a group of women. My story being what has recovery been like for me and how I got to where I am today.

I enjoy getting up and talking in front of others.  I like being able to share my experience but today I found myself changing my story to illicit the particular reaction that I wanted from my audience.  As I was speaking I was quickly making judgements about what I thought my audience was thinking and changed my story to fit what I thought they wanted so it was no longer totally my story or speaking my truth.

After I told my story I had the opportunity to hear the women who were listening share some of their story.  It shouldn't surprise me that I was completely wrong about my assumptions about the women I was talking to.  I should know by now that the story that I tell should be my story because there is no judgement about it when it comes to recovery.

Why Blog?

I keep wanting to blog and yet I suffer from the belief that I have nothing to offer.  I want to write and yet I think I have nothing worthwhile to write about.  What I do have is my life experience.

The process in the last couple of years of getting to know the real me vs the me I think that I thought I was.  This is a process of learning to have compassion not only for me as I am but for that little girl inside me that I have ignored for so long.  This is a process of slowing down and remembering that I am enough exactly as I am and I will be ok.

There is a deep desire in me to write and to share stories and yet a fear that I will do it wrong.  So I am going to start doing it today and practice because the only way to get better at something is to practice so here I am telling my story.

I feel numb a lot of the time when I think I should be feeling things like love.  Could it be that I subconsciously shut myself off from my emotions because I am scared of how big they are?  I dunno if that's accurate and I guess it doesn't matter.  What I've learned is that I have to accept whatever it is that I am feeling in this moment.

Neurofeedback

So last week I did my first neurofeedback session and I had a couple of good days and now I'm feeling funky again today.  Don't know what it means trying not to put too much meaning too it and just let it be.  I hope some day I can balance my need for analysis with my need for serenity and peace.  I want to help people and I hope that through my experiences I am able to do that.

A tiny bit of space

So the last 2 months have been very dramatic.  I spent 10 days in the BHU (Behavioral Health Unit) and 3 weeks in PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program).  I am back on a medication that I have been on before I've tried medications that didn't work again and they still didn't work and yet I'm still here.

There are still moments of suicidal thoughts there are a lot of moments when it feels like my mind wants me to be in a constant state of misery or dead.   Yet I still put one foot on front of the other and move forward it's not the progress that I want and I have moments when I beat myself up unmercifully but I'm learning to stop fighting myself.

A friend told me recently that you can't hate away the parts of yourself you don't like you can only love them away.  I can't make something go away until I accept that it is a part of me.  There are so many parts of me that I wish that were different and so many ways that I wish things were different.  However, I'm learning to trust the people around me who tell me that this too shall pass and there is a purpose to all things.  I don't want to trust that things are happening I want things to be different then they are.   But all I can do is put 1 foot in front of the other and trust that what I need to know is being worked out in me and I can't make it happen any faster all I can do is figure out ways to distract myself until more information is revealed.

Survival Mode

It feels like the last year of my life has been spent in survival mode.  Operating with the bear minimum of mental and emotional resources.  The feeling of having absolutely zero space to tolerate anything stressful.  Zero space to actually process anything.

This last year has been about recovery and yet I feel as though I've made no forward progress.  I know that isn't true, I know that I've learned a lot about myself and I've learned a lot about why I do the things I do.

Living with depression is like living in a bubble.  You know that you are surrounded by love and people who love you and yet none of those feelings penetrate the clear wall that surrounds you at all times.

Feeling scared all the time is hard.  Feeling as though you're living in a world that has no safety.  I wake up every day between 2-4 am and from that time until around 11 am I feel as though there is a vice grip on my heart.  After the vice grip leaves I am left feeling numb.

I want to say so much more and yet that's all I can say right now.

Well I gave it a shot

Well my first attempt at starting medication was a bit rough and now I'm having to go back to the drawing board.  But this experience has not been without it's lessons.

One of the main things I have learned is that I definitely need help from western medicine.  There is a part of me that really wants the answer to be a spiritual problem that I can meditate away and clean my karma and rescue my inner children and I'll be free of this soul sickness.  In the long run that may prove to be true, but for now I need help.

My experience with Lamictal was pretty rough.  The first week was ok in fact I felt a bit of relief from the soul sadness but after increasing the dose to 50mg I found the side effects of psychomotor agitation too much to handle.  After speaking with my doctor it was decided that I would cease taking the medication.

It took a few days for the medication to get completely out of my system and that experience was quite unpleasant.  Many who deal with bipolar have to deal with something called a "mixed state" this is when there are both manic and depressive symptoms occurring at the same time.  A side effect of a mixed state is psychomotor agitation.  Psychomotor Agitation is probably one of the most unpleasant things I have ever experienced it feels like bugs crawling under your skin and you can't sit still and it feels like the most awful thing in the world.

I go back to the doctor this week to try again with a different medication.  Who knows what will happen but it's definitely a journey.