Suicidal Ideation

According to wikipedia one out of three people with bipolar disorder report past attempts of suicide or complete it, and the annual average suicide rate is 0.4%, which is 10 to 20 times that of the general population.  Why is that? That's because bipolar disorder causes suicidal ideation which is just a medical term for suicidal thoughts.

As someone who tries to be very logical you would think that it wouldn't be too hard to just consider the facts and know that the thoughts and feelings I experience are caused by a chemical imbalance and they are not real.  But the reality of that situation is very different.  While I may know that the thoughts are caused by an incorrect balance of chemicals in my brain it still does not change how incredibly painful and powerful the thoughts and feelings can be.  On several occasions I've told Doctors and friends that there are times when it feels as though my soul hurts, it's a soul crushing pain that feels as though I can't breath.  And it doesn't matter how often I tell myself that the pain isn't real that it can't actually hurt me that all I have to do is breath and it will eventually go away.  No matter how many times I tell myself and try and believe it I still feel the immense pain.

I have dealt with suicidal thoughts for a very long time and I have never made any attempts.  I have no control over the plans forming and I have no way of stopping them I can't will them to go away.  What I can do is take care to ensure that someone else knows what I'm having "bad thoughts" and if it goes so far as to make a plan then I make sure that I take the appropriate measures to make sure that someone is aware of it.  Bipolar is not something that can be cured, all you can do is take steps to minimize the impact it has on your life and those around you.  Sure when these things happen you can go to the hospital which I've done, but it happens so often that it isn't realistic to go to the doctor every time so I have to take measures to make sure that I am safe and that I'm not dealing with the thoughts completely alone.

Sometimes getting help from loved ones is easier said then done.  Bipolar is a very persistent illness, it won't let you put things aside until a better time.  It often feels like you're going to die if you don't deal with the situation right that very second so sometimes you have to ask for help from those that are close by even if they aren't necessarily the ones who are best equipped to help. As much as people love you everyone has their own preconceived notions about how you should handle your illness or whether there is in fact anything wrong and you're just not trying hard enough.  All you can do at that point is just try and focus on the fact that people love you and even if the things they say accidentally make you feel worse, most of the time they are doing their best to help and try and have patience with them and just remind yourself over and over again that they are trying to help even when your brain is trying to tell you otherwise.