Meditation Moon and Birds

Last night when I was talking to dad about meditation he told me about something he read once about imagining that you're under water and your thoughts are bubbles and when a thought comes up let the thought float to the surface and pop.  That seemed like an interesting idea so I thought I'd try it.

This morning during meditation the guide talked about the horizon point being the moon rise and visualize seeing the moon.  I think I liked this metaphor a lot because when I think of the horizon I often think of squinting in the sun but when I think of a moon rise I can have my eyes wide open and it doesn't hurt.  I also immediately had the visual in mind of Joe vs the Volcano when the moon is huge and he's standing up in front of it.

When I tried to combine that with the underwater metaphor it didn't work very well but then the thought of birds taking the thoughts and flying away with them came to mind.  I imagine that doves are taking my thoughts away because Doves look beautiful when they fly away but then they fly back to wherever they belong.  So my beautiful thoughts fly away but they will return to where they belong so that they can be used again.

Combining the two metaphors seemed to work really well and I feel really good this morning.  My meditation session really did feel relaxing and like I was working on a journey instead of striving to reach a destination.  Sometimes when I let thoughts go and returned them to the moon the moon would be far away and other times the moon would be big like in Joe vs the Volcano.

Trapped under water

I was a water baby growing up, as a got older I spent every moment I could in the water. There was something about the feel of diving under the water and swimming as far as my breath could carry me before popping up and gasping for air feeling like I almost drown, that made me feel free and alive.

Under water there was no one judging me, I didn't have to think about the right things to say or how to answer I just got to be alone with my thoughts.  I was lucky enough to spend part of my childhood living on the water, so that meant I could spend all day every day in the water during the summer.

I don't remember how old I was the first time I felt like I almost drown.   This was different then when I swam by myself, it was at a party and I remember feeling like I was sure that I was going to die.  

At parties we always brought out this inflatable toy called a fun island, it was 5 ft diameter circle with ropes around the edge to help you climb up.  The other kids and I would take this raft out in the water and climb up On it and see who could push who off first and be king/queen of the island.

One time I don't know how it happened but I got trapped underneath the island.  The problem was that the island wasn't anchored so it was moving and I got disoriented and couldn't figure out which was to go so that I wasn't swimming with the island.  I remember feeling extremely panicked, I was sure that I was going to die.  The next memory I have is of coming up for air and gasping and trying to figure out what had happened and seeing that no one else even noticed that I had been trapped under there. 

I was in the water but I think I remember crying and getting myself out of the water.  I went to my dad very upset and I remember him giving me a squeeze and saying "well, just stop and swim the opposite direction next time".  

Writing this I'm realizing that this event may be a big reason why I'm scared of scuba diving.  I never really liked the idea of having a limited amount of oxygen.  Maybe I'll need to tackle that fear some day soon, that would be a fun vacation.

The Change

It's been a little over 5 months since my last post on this blog and my world couldn't be more different. 

My husband and I moved to a different state, I've grown more than I could ever have imagined, I'm no longer taking any medications and I feel like for the first time in my life I am in charge of my feelings and emotions.  

I am no longer controlled by emotions and feeling I don't understand.  When things happen to shake me I know how to pull myself together, talk to friends, look for comfort in something bigger then myself and remember to take big deep breaths.  

I have come so far and yet now I accept that my journey will never be over and I was always be changing.  Change is something that is no longer a fear but an exciting adventure.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I have faith that everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end.

Don't Chase the Rabit

Pacific Rim is a Godzilla type movie with huge robots that stars Jax from Sons of Anarchy.  Unlike most Godzilla movies I've seen (which I admit is limited) there is actually an emotional component that is somewhat compelling and interesting ideas to consider when dealing with depression.

The basics of the story is that aliens called Kaiju are coming through a rift in the ocean to another dimension in order to terrorize earth.  After several attacks the citizens of the world unite to create Jaegers, which are these giant robots that match the size and strength of the Kaiju.  In order to steer these massive robots two pilots have to create a neural link with the Jaeger in order to be able to control it.  The pilots must have a certain amount of capability in order to link together because once they're linked they share each others thoughts.

So what does all this have to do with depression?  Part way through the movie an experienced pilot is taking on a new green co-pilot and reminds the new pilot "Don't Chase the Rabit.  Random Access Brain Impulse Triggers....Memories.  Just let them flow and don't latch on".  That particular bit of dialogue has caught my attention on more than one occasion.  When the depression is at it's worst I seem to be unable to let the thoughts flow each one, especially the negative, must me examined from every angle until I'm tied in knots.  When I'm feeling better the thoughts flow and I can let them go.  I think one of my goals is to be able to reliably let my thoughts and memories flow through my brain and only hold on to the ones that I want to focus on.  Each day is a struggle and a fight but maybe I'll have help me my struggle soon, only time will tell.

The Radio Station from Hell

The other day I had dinner at a friends house for dinner and meditation as I do every week.  Another acquaintance was there and she and I were discussing depression which is often a topic among this group because we all suffer from it to one degree or another.

This acquaintance used an analogy I hadn't heard before that her brain was constantly tuned to the same radio station and she couldn't change the channel.  She practices ignoring the noise but it's always there this constant hum in the background.  This particular analogy really resonated with me because that's what depression often feels like, this scratchy old broadcast that you can never get rid of that you're sometimes able to turn the volume down on but other times it's so loud it's the only thing you can think about because the thoughts are so blaringly loud.

Fast forward to today and I had a very good appointment with my psychiatrist.  He's giving me hope.  But what does that have to do with the radio station?  Well, I told him the story about the radio station and a little while later we were discussing something else and he said yea when you're depressed that radio station is always tuned to Hell.

So that is a new description to have in my back pocket when people don't understand depression.  Depression is a radio station from Hell that you can't turn off on your own and if you're bipolar the volume fluctuates between almost silent to ear bleeding loud.

Faking It

This past Saturday I had the privilege of participating in a really fun event in Seattle.  There is a community in which I am fairly well known and I go to these events often.  Often these events are really fun and they bring me out of my funk and I feel liberated and I have fun.  That happened to some extent this weekend but I still felt like I was experiencing the event through the veil of depression and I couldn't truly be me.  A big part of the day I was just faking it and putting on a brave face while inside I was wanting to be at home in bed.  I really did have fun but it still felt like so much work and at times I just wanted to lay down.

I hate faking anything because when I fake things then I have to remember to keep up a charade and most of the time it's just easier to be open and honest and be myself.  But sometimes you have to try and fake it until you make it or at least until you can go back to being the depressed person that you are.

At least I got to talk to some people I consider my heros and they seemed to be engaged in the conversations that we were having.  That was a really big win.

What's accomplishments are Real?

One of the things that depression does especially for a self critical person like me is make it difficult to distinguish between the depression and character flaws that should be worked on.  My inner monologue often includes things like lazy, selfish and stupid.  The problem is that often these things that I get down on myself for are things that I really have no control over because the depression makes everything so difficult.

Tonight I've been very aware of my negative inner monologue and I've been trying to think of positive or at the very least neutral things to keep my mind from going negative and it's been very difficult.   I had all these ambitious plans of what I wanted to accomplish today and I got almost none of it done and so I've been beating myself up.  But actually I did get stuff done today.  I went to the gym, I got several loads of laundry done, I wrote a couple of different blog posts and I worked on a project that involves people.   I did accomplish things today and I have to give myself credit for what I do accomplish and stop beating myself up for what I don't.