In ACA there is a concept of an inner loving parent. The idea of allowing that inner loving parent to have a say was scary. Actually that wasn't so scary but was scary was not listening to the inner critical parent. The critical parent is the one that drove me to do all the things that helped me survive. Of course the "survival" also meant pushing myself to extremes in work, studies, exercise and many other areas of life.
When I finally stopped listening to the critical parent and started listening to the inner children and loving parent there was part of of me that was terrified. I was terrified that I was going to turn into a lazy slob that I would never have any ambition and I would end up living in my car.
So far none of that has happened. What does happen is that I feel a lot more internal peace and I get to be gentle with myself. I'm no longer driven to be the high powered person I thought I was supposed to be. I am no longer driven to push myself to run 5 miles a day. I don't actually work very hard at things right now. I know that this is a phase and that nothing is permanent and I'm starting to see a little bit more pushing. But it's still gentle and it's with internal trust.
One thing that helped me to trust and let go was remembering that sometimes there are extreme swings in order to find equilibrium. Sometimes it takes going from one extreme to the other to figure out where the middle is and to find balance.
Writing this blog is a balance. My inner child really wants to finish watching the Matrix. But I've learned that when I put off until tomorrow an idea that I want to write about then the idea doesn't go anywhere. So, I'm writing this post quickly because I made a deal with my inner child that we would watch the rest of the movie tonight. It's not perfect it's actually written quite quickly and probably has a lot of mistakes but I know that I'm at least getting something across and that's what I want to do.
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Friday, May 6, 2016
Releasing emotional pain from the physical body
If someone had told me 3 years ago that I would be dealing with physical pain through meditation I probably would have thought that they were crazy. Today I know without a doubt that a lot of the emotional pain I've experience in my life is stored in my body and through meditation and conscious awareness I am able to release that pain.
This is an ongoing process I have pain in my lower back that seems like a never ending fountain of pain that get's released.
Last night I listened to a 10 minute mindfulness of change meditation which got me focused on my breath and noticing the changes in the sensation of breathing. Earlier in the evening I had been reading Burning Desire a 12 step and Buddhism book. The section of the book I was reading talked about observing pain instead of trying to push it away.
So with my mindfulness of change and aware of pushing away my pain I looked to my lower back. After first I could feel my instinctual feeling to pull away or push away the pain and run away from it. After noticing the habitual pattern of recoiling from the pain I breathed into it and the pain no longer felt painful and so for a few moments I just observed the sensation.
As is normally the case when I am able to observe pain without resistance it started to move. The pain moved it's way up my back at times it would pause and the strong instinct to push it away would kick in and then it would get painful again. After relaxing into the pain again it would move.
When the sensation reached my shoulders it started to feel extremely uncomfortable. It wasn't painful but it was the sensation that I needed to move. The agitated feeling in body almost felt overwhelming and I really wanted to move. But with patience and gentleness I reminded myself of impermanence and this too shall pass and I attempted to relax into the sensation.
Eventually the agitation passed and the feeling moved into my face. When the sensation moves into my face I've noticed that part of me has a tendency to get impatient and want to rush the process because it knows what's coming. But when I rush the feeling dissipates and the opportunity to release is let go.
When the release finally came it was tears and silence screams. This might sound awful but the reality is that it is very cathartic. Only one word came into my head as I cried and silently screamed and let my feelings be that word was 'Mommy'. I don't know what that means but I know now that I get to be mommy to the various little scared parts of me.
Getting to the point of being able to process emotional pain in my physical body did not happen overnight. This is a process that has taken time and it takes a lot of patience and self-love. I wish anyone who finds this blessings on their journey and feel free to contact me if you have questions. I may or may not be able to answer them but I will try.
This is an ongoing process I have pain in my lower back that seems like a never ending fountain of pain that get's released.
Last night I listened to a 10 minute mindfulness of change meditation which got me focused on my breath and noticing the changes in the sensation of breathing. Earlier in the evening I had been reading Burning Desire a 12 step and Buddhism book. The section of the book I was reading talked about observing pain instead of trying to push it away.
So with my mindfulness of change and aware of pushing away my pain I looked to my lower back. After first I could feel my instinctual feeling to pull away or push away the pain and run away from it. After noticing the habitual pattern of recoiling from the pain I breathed into it and the pain no longer felt painful and so for a few moments I just observed the sensation.
As is normally the case when I am able to observe pain without resistance it started to move. The pain moved it's way up my back at times it would pause and the strong instinct to push it away would kick in and then it would get painful again. After relaxing into the pain again it would move.
When the sensation reached my shoulders it started to feel extremely uncomfortable. It wasn't painful but it was the sensation that I needed to move. The agitated feeling in body almost felt overwhelming and I really wanted to move. But with patience and gentleness I reminded myself of impermanence and this too shall pass and I attempted to relax into the sensation.
Eventually the agitation passed and the feeling moved into my face. When the sensation moves into my face I've noticed that part of me has a tendency to get impatient and want to rush the process because it knows what's coming. But when I rush the feeling dissipates and the opportunity to release is let go.
When the release finally came it was tears and silence screams. This might sound awful but the reality is that it is very cathartic. Only one word came into my head as I cried and silently screamed and let my feelings be that word was 'Mommy'. I don't know what that means but I know now that I get to be mommy to the various little scared parts of me.
Getting to the point of being able to process emotional pain in my physical body did not happen overnight. This is a process that has taken time and it takes a lot of patience and self-love. I wish anyone who finds this blessings on their journey and feel free to contact me if you have questions. I may or may not be able to answer them but I will try.
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
IFS
IFS stands for Internal Family Systems. IFS is a type of therapy based on the premise that everyone has different parts inside them that exist like a family. In people who have dealt with trauma or PTSD may be dealing with a dysfunctional family.
I have been working with an IFS therapist for about 9 months now and it has made a big difference in my healing.
Today was a break through day as I was able to connect with a part of me that has been "frozen" for almost 30 years. On the surface it seems like a small memory, but of course I have a tendency to minimize most of my experiences. When I was 8 my older brother was in a play at school. After the show the family wanted me to go down to give him flowers. It's possible I wanted to do it. But I remember being really afraid and so I didn't make it all the way down to give him the flowers. When I got back to my family I remember my big sister being angry at me and I felt ashamed for being scared. That little girl version of me has been stuck in that place of wanting to make people happy and being so scared for most of my life.
Today with the help of my therapist I was able to help that little girl present her brother with flowers and conquer her fear. I cried a lot during the therapy session, it was as though this little girl had been frozen in time for so long. To "rescue" her I imagined sitting in the seats a few rows ahead of her and as she moved down the risers so did I giving her an encouraging smile until her big brother saw and gave her an encouraging smile.
It seems like there is a lot more to say and yet that's all I have for now and I'm going to be ok with that. It was beautiful to be able to help that little girl and I can feel a little more space has opened up inside.
I am grateful to be on this healing journey and have a lot of wonderful people around me to help me move through this. Even though my mind tries to convince me that I am all alone the reality is that I have an amazing group of people helping me on this journey and my Higher Power has always given me exactly the help I needed to accomplish the next step on my journey.
I have been working with an IFS therapist for about 9 months now and it has made a big difference in my healing.
Today was a break through day as I was able to connect with a part of me that has been "frozen" for almost 30 years. On the surface it seems like a small memory, but of course I have a tendency to minimize most of my experiences. When I was 8 my older brother was in a play at school. After the show the family wanted me to go down to give him flowers. It's possible I wanted to do it. But I remember being really afraid and so I didn't make it all the way down to give him the flowers. When I got back to my family I remember my big sister being angry at me and I felt ashamed for being scared. That little girl version of me has been stuck in that place of wanting to make people happy and being so scared for most of my life.
Today with the help of my therapist I was able to help that little girl present her brother with flowers and conquer her fear. I cried a lot during the therapy session, it was as though this little girl had been frozen in time for so long. To "rescue" her I imagined sitting in the seats a few rows ahead of her and as she moved down the risers so did I giving her an encouraging smile until her big brother saw and gave her an encouraging smile.
It seems like there is a lot more to say and yet that's all I have for now and I'm going to be ok with that. It was beautiful to be able to help that little girl and I can feel a little more space has opened up inside.
I am grateful to be on this healing journey and have a lot of wonderful people around me to help me move through this. Even though my mind tries to convince me that I am all alone the reality is that I have an amazing group of people helping me on this journey and my Higher Power has always given me exactly the help I needed to accomplish the next step on my journey.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Stomach Problems
I'm hoping by the time I finish writing this post that I am able to come up with a better title than stomach problems but for now it works.
For the last couple of months I have been dealing with stomach issues/cramps/lower back pain. That isn't very sexy but it's the reality of where I'm at. I think there are one of three things going on or some combination of all 3.
1) There is something physiological going on that is causing the pain.
2) There is some emotional-spiritual something that I haven't addressed
3) I need to change my diet.
The idea that this is something that is emotional-spiritual is not a completely new idea to me but it's something I've only started considering in the last few years. I know that when I focus on relaxing my body that my body calms down it's just at this moment it's not practical for me to stay focused on keeping myself relaxed 24/7. It seems similar to where I was with the toxic thoughts 8 months ago.
I'm going to pray for the willingness to change my diet I'm going to practice mindfullness and I'm going to meditate on my pain and breath into it and see what happens.
For the last couple of months I have been dealing with stomach issues/cramps/lower back pain. That isn't very sexy but it's the reality of where I'm at. I think there are one of three things going on or some combination of all 3.
1) There is something physiological going on that is causing the pain.
2) There is some emotional-spiritual something that I haven't addressed
3) I need to change my diet.
The idea that this is something that is emotional-spiritual is not a completely new idea to me but it's something I've only started considering in the last few years. I know that when I focus on relaxing my body that my body calms down it's just at this moment it's not practical for me to stay focused on keeping myself relaxed 24/7. It seems similar to where I was with the toxic thoughts 8 months ago.
I'm going to pray for the willingness to change my diet I'm going to practice mindfullness and I'm going to meditate on my pain and breath into it and see what happens.
Friday, April 22, 2016
Writing
I want to write more, but I'm afraid. The writing that I do is stream of consciousness, whatever comes to my mind. If I don't write I won't learn to face the fear of writing. I want to share my experiences about relationships, neurofeedback, recovery, meditation and everything else. My mind tells me that to share publicly means that I'm just looking for attention and that I don't have anything to offer but I know that isn't true.
I have gone through hell and back and I am on the other side and at this moment life feels ok. Relationships and learning to live in them and with people and be part of the world is difficult. Setting boundaries, honoring my true self, honoring my inner child all confusing things to do and try and I want to share them. Bleh I feel vulnerable writing this and sharing this. But here it is I'm going to try again.
There is that part of me that thinks that I have to have this all figured out and know how to do it write that making mistakes is not acceptable. I've got a better relationship with that part of myself today but it's still hard sometimes to make decisions over the objections. I'm going to make small tries and attempts and see how it goes.
I have gone through hell and back and I am on the other side and at this moment life feels ok. Relationships and learning to live in them and with people and be part of the world is difficult. Setting boundaries, honoring my true self, honoring my inner child all confusing things to do and try and I want to share them. Bleh I feel vulnerable writing this and sharing this. But here it is I'm going to try again.
There is that part of me that thinks that I have to have this all figured out and know how to do it write that making mistakes is not acceptable. I've got a better relationship with that part of myself today but it's still hard sometimes to make decisions over the objections. I'm going to make small tries and attempts and see how it goes.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Telling My Story
Today I had the opportunity to tell my story to a group of women. My story being what has recovery been like for me and how I got to where I am today.
I enjoy getting up and talking in front of others. I like being able to share my experience but today I found myself changing my story to illicit the particular reaction that I wanted from my audience. As I was speaking I was quickly making judgements about what I thought my audience was thinking and changed my story to fit what I thought they wanted so it was no longer totally my story or speaking my truth.
After I told my story I had the opportunity to hear the women who were listening share some of their story. It shouldn't surprise me that I was completely wrong about my assumptions about the women I was talking to. I should know by now that the story that I tell should be my story because there is no judgement about it when it comes to recovery.
I enjoy getting up and talking in front of others. I like being able to share my experience but today I found myself changing my story to illicit the particular reaction that I wanted from my audience. As I was speaking I was quickly making judgements about what I thought my audience was thinking and changed my story to fit what I thought they wanted so it was no longer totally my story or speaking my truth.
After I told my story I had the opportunity to hear the women who were listening share some of their story. It shouldn't surprise me that I was completely wrong about my assumptions about the women I was talking to. I should know by now that the story that I tell should be my story because there is no judgement about it when it comes to recovery.
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Why Blog?
I keep wanting to blog and yet I suffer from the belief that I have nothing to offer. I want to write and yet I think I have nothing worthwhile to write about. What I do have is my life experience.
The process in the last couple of years of getting to know the real me vs the me I think that I thought I was. This is a process of learning to have compassion not only for me as I am but for that little girl inside me that I have ignored for so long. This is a process of slowing down and remembering that I am enough exactly as I am and I will be ok.
There is a deep desire in me to write and to share stories and yet a fear that I will do it wrong. So I am going to start doing it today and practice because the only way to get better at something is to practice so here I am telling my story.
I feel numb a lot of the time when I think I should be feeling things like love. Could it be that I subconsciously shut myself off from my emotions because I am scared of how big they are? I dunno if that's accurate and I guess it doesn't matter. What I've learned is that I have to accept whatever it is that I am feeling in this moment.
The process in the last couple of years of getting to know the real me vs the me I think that I thought I was. This is a process of learning to have compassion not only for me as I am but for that little girl inside me that I have ignored for so long. This is a process of slowing down and remembering that I am enough exactly as I am and I will be ok.
There is a deep desire in me to write and to share stories and yet a fear that I will do it wrong. So I am going to start doing it today and practice because the only way to get better at something is to practice so here I am telling my story.
I feel numb a lot of the time when I think I should be feeling things like love. Could it be that I subconsciously shut myself off from my emotions because I am scared of how big they are? I dunno if that's accurate and I guess it doesn't matter. What I've learned is that I have to accept whatever it is that I am feeling in this moment.
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