1 Year Later

On May 17th 2014 I started a journey that altered who I am to my very core.  On that day I stopped all substances that changed my mental state (well almost all, I still haven't given up sugar).  That means no alcohol, no pot and I also stopped taking all the Psychiatric medications that I've taken on and off since I was 16.  This is my journey and my path and not necessarily something I would recommend for anyone else.  But this is my truth and I feel like it's finally time to start sharing.

What I have experienced in the last year has taken me to depths of pain and despair I didn't know were possible.  Yet on days like today I have hope for the future and I can see how far I've come.

Psychiatric medications and specifically the ADHD medication Dexadrine provided a buffer between the painful events of my life and my emotions so I did not experience the full pain extent of the pain I was enduring.  I came across a quote recently that describes perfectly how I feel.

"It has been hard work to delve into the messiness of my mind, confront my post-traumatic stress and untangle my emotions.  I am grateful that I've had the chance to do so.  My body and mind [and spirit] are healing.  Pain levels are abating and fatigue, although still an issue, is no longer completely debilitating" ~Kimberly Jaleh

The body is an amazing vessel and even if we don't consciously remember something the mind and the body do.  When given the opportunity to share a repressed story the mind and body will flood your consciousness with all the pain you never wanted to deal with and all of sudden you have no choice but to confront the reality of who you really are.

I don't think I'm quite ready to delve into the details of the messiness of my mind but perhaps that will unfold with time.  I'll leave that up to my Higher Power the one that has helped me survive the last year.  I am learning one day at a time to trust that I have all the information I need at this moment to do what I need in this moment and when I am ready for more, more will be revealed.

One question that has come up many times this year is whether I will stay off of medication and that question is definitely still up in the air.  There are some days that the pain and fear are so overwhelming I want to crawl in a hole and never come out again.  And yet I have people in my life who help me face each day, each hour, each moment and give me the courage to say I can do this.  To all of you I love you and I am truly blessed to have you in my life.  Thank you for this year.

Vulnerability

Right now I feel so incredibly vulnerable as though if someone looks at me the wrong way I will fall apart and my world will shatter into a million pieces.  Perhaps that's what I need.  At the same time things are so fragile that I'm afraid that if I shatter into a million pieces there will be no way to put me back together again.  I can't let anyone close right now because if I let anyone close they could pull that pin that is holding me so tenuously together and I will fly apart to never be put back together again.

He has the power to destroy me right now and that isn't good.  I wish I knew what to do to get myself to that place where I could withstand the verbal jabs and the heartache but I'm not there.  I have to protect myself from the hurtful words and the possible rejection because the rejection hurts so badly it makes it impossible to breathe.

On my spiritual path you have to let go of attachment and I am so aware of my attachment right now and how much it hurts.  The spiritual teachers all say all you have to do is let go and yet that feels absolutely and completely impossible right now.  I know at some point in the future I will look back and not understand why it was so hard but right now it seems absolutely impossible to let go.  The emotional pain is so strong and so overwhelming that it feels like I have no choice but to hold on or at least only let go in small bites.  Every day I let go a little more and work a little more at how I feel about letting things go.

The ego is such a frustrating concept, mine is holding on so tightly to certain ideas as though it is completely and totally preserving life.  My life will continue but the question is can I get past those parts of my ego that want to be annihilated?  I don't know but for today I will focus on accepting where I'm at and be ok with that even if my mind wants to be so much farther than I am.  I accept that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in this moment.  Wait a minute and that may change but at this moment I am in acceptance of everything as it.  Or at least I think I am.

Love Hurts

No matter how you slice it ending a relationship is painful.  The brain interprets emotional pain in the same way it interprets physical pain and when your heart is broken it can feel like you're dying.

But the reality is that all things rise and pass away and just because something or someone is leaving your life for now no one can predict the future and you have no idea what will happen tomorrow.

All I can do is focus on this day, this hour, just this moment and breathe through the hurt that feels like it will break me a part.  I know that I am will survive I know that I will grow and I know that I will always have love in my heart for those that are no longer in my life.