The curse of an analytical mind

As an engineer I can be very analytical, this can be a really good thing when it comes to work, but it can be a real liability when it comes to my emotional and mental health.  Because I have a tendency to thnk I can solve anything, including me and this thing called life.

Right now my job is to learn to live with discomfort and quiet my mind when there is nothing to solve.  That's a tall order for someone who thought that she could cure depression at one point, I never said I was modest or thought to little of myself.  

The last few days have been hard.  Yesterday I opened one of my daily reading books and a notecard fell out on which I wrote "only God can heal you" which is true when it comes to obsessions of the mind. I can't think my way out of an obsession of the mind.  All I can do is practice at calming my mind.  I have brief moments of living on the mone and I'm sure as I practice more it will get easier, for now it's just a matter of practice, practice, practice.  Sometimes that involves keeping my mind completely quiet and sometimes that involves remind myself of my assets and reminding myself that God is always with me.  Either way it's about not letting the thoughts that I have allowed run my life for far too long continue doing that.

Right now this very moment it feels like I'm succeeding.  But I know that surrender is in there somewhere and I'm not completely surrendering, but I will and for now I am willing to surrender and that's all I can ask of my simple human existence.

God,

Thank you for today.  The day was very tiring but I got the opportunity to be of service at work and I got to be of service to my friend by going to watch her presentation on acupuncture.  I think you're talking to me through my friend and I think I'm going to try acupuncture.  The things she was saying about balance are very much in line with my thoughts and my way of life recently so it seems like a next indicated action.  Tonight I got the opportunity to talk another new potential friend from one of my weekly meetings that I attend.  I enjoyed talking to her and the class she talked about on mindfulness also sounded like it was right up my alley.

I have fears that I will procrastinate on these things that I want to do because I am so focused on areas of my life that are not really important.  Money isn't important in the grand scheme of things and yet I'm afraid of it, afraid that I never have enough, afraid that I won't be able to pay off the debt I've incurred and afraid that I am going to take a job simply for the money it will give me.  

Just for today I am going to trust that you are watching out for me and that you will be there for me and you will make sure that I have what I need.  Just for today I am going to trust that your will for me is what is best for me.  Your will, will ensure that I can be of maximum service to my fellow man.  Just for today I am going to trust that I am on the right path and that the next indicated action on my life is what I am doing.   Right now I am second guessing every decision I make and that isn't a very fun place to be so just for today I am going to trust that you are looking out for me.

God, please look out for the people in Ingress, my heart is with them every day, I wish them all the very best even though it's not something I can do right now.  Please look out for Bryan on his journey, he's a wonderful man who deserves good things in life and deserves happiness whatever that looks like.  Please bestow your grace on all the people at ER, they are amazing people who have done incredible things for me and I want them all to have all the peace and serenity in the world.  Look out for Momma and chick (you know who they are), they need your Grace love and support.  Above all God, please look out for all those that are suffering from depression and anxiety tonight, may they know your love and beauty in their lifetime.

Dear God

I'm scared to let go completely and let you be in charge of my life.  I'm not scared that you want what is best for me but I am scared that in letting you take the reigns I will be giving up some prt of myself.  And yet as I write this I realize that isn't true.  By allowing you to take control of the roller coaster of my life I know that I will stay on the tracks and get to focus my energy on doing the part that you need me to do.  I don't know what that is yet and I may never know but I trust that you will use me to be a messenger for you.  Please help me have the courage to be strong enough to be the messenger you need.  Please help me know that your love is enough and that as long as I walk with you I will have everything that I need and so much more.  I am truly blessed by your grace and I can't wait to see what blessing are around the corner from you.

Love,

Kira